Overcoming Alcohol Misconceptions and Embracing Joyful Living in Midlife

Have you ever wondered how alcohol can impact your health, especially as you navigate the complexities of midlife? In this enlightening episode of Real Food Stories, host Heather Carey sits down with Lily Weiss, an alcohol freedom coach, to unravel the intricate web of alcohol consumption and its misconceptions. Lily opens up about her personal journey through alcohol, sharing her struggles during her divorce and the societal lies that led her to believe that drinking would alleviate her pain. Together, they explore the science behind alcohol addiction, shedding light on how it affects both the brain and body, and the cycle of fleeting joy followed by regret and shame that many experience.

As a culinary nutritionist, Heather emphasizes the importance of understanding the impact of alcohol on health, particularly for women in midlife facing stress and hormonal changes. This conversation is not just about quitting alcohol; it’s about empowering women to make informed choices regarding their health and well-being. Lily and Heather provide practical advice for those considering reducing or quitting alcohol, including tips for navigating social situations and recognizing emotional triggers that lead to drinking.

Listeners will discover the potential for joy and adventure in an alcohol-free lifestyle, as they discuss how embracing sobriety can lead to healthier eating habits and improved overall wellness. This episode resonates deeply with themes of personal food journeys, mindful eating practices, and the importance of sustainable eating. With insights into menopause health, midlife nutrition, and the psychological aspects of alcohol consumption, Heather and Lily inspire women to reclaim their narratives around food and drink.

Join us as we challenge diet myths, explore the connections between alcohol and emotional eating, and celebrate the journey toward body positivity and self-care. By tuning in, you’ll gain valuable nutrition advice that aligns with your personal food journey, empowering you to nourish your body and mind. Whether you’re grappling with weight loss stories or seeking culinary wellness, this episode offers a supportive space for women to explore their relationship with alcohol and embrace healthier lifestyle choices.

Don’t miss this opportunity to transform your understanding of alcohol and its role in your life. Tune in to Real Food Stories and embark on a path to a more empowered, alcohol-free existence.

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Transcript:

Speaker #0
Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back. And if you are just tuning in with me for the very first time, it’s so nice to meet you. And I’m really glad you’re here with me today. I am your host, Heather Carey, nutritionist, chef, mom, and a woman who has been around the block with food. I want to open up about real food in relation to health, weight, and our bodies so you can make peace with what you eat. Hey everybody and welcome back to Real Food Stories. If you have ever questioned whether or not you are drinking too much or if alcohol is interfering in your life and you thought there is no way I am giving up drinking because how am I supposed to have fun in my life, then today’s podcast will really resonate with you. I sat down with alcohol freedom coach Lily Weiss and I promise you that by the end of our conversation You will be convinced that you can find freedom when alcohol does not take up space in your life. You can find happiness and peace of mind. So take a listen to my conversation with Lily Weiss and see how you feel at the end. Hey everybody, today I am with Lily Weiss, who is a alcohol freedom coach. But before that, Lily had a relationship with alcohol that made her life… as she says, sad and small. She truly believed that if she quit alcohol, she’d never be happy again, not to mention losing her connection to friends and family. Lily got her sparkle back after her own struggle with alcohol ended with the epiphany that life is more fun and adventurous when alcohol-free and getting there doesn’t have to be miserable. She is a certified alcohol freedom coach and the co-host of the Sober Chick Life podcast. Hi, Lily. I’m so glad you were able to come on today and share your story about giving up alcohol, but more importantly, so glad that you did to the point that you became a coach who helps others do the same. I know for me, I made the decision to stop drinking as well over about five years ago, and it was really the best decision I have made for myself. But the decision was not easy, especially at a time in my life that feels really topsy-turvy right now. It’s stressful. It’s full of change. I am in midlife as you are as well. And so I was really curious to just hear your story first, considering that we’re sort of in the same boat. And I imagine grappling with the same things that I am, like menopause and just all of the changes. So it’s a hard time to consider giving up alcohol. I know for just for the clients I see and for some just friends and people that I speak to. I mean, this is like a, almost like a make or break, like turning point. And they’re like, I’m going to hold on to like, this is all I got to like, help me with my stress and help me cope with life. So it’s, it is hard for people, but you know, giving it up is ultimately, it’s been a great experience for me. So I would love to just, you know, hear your story first.

Speaker #1
I started grappling with alcohol when I was in my early 40s. And I had this magnificent plan that I was going through a divorce. And even though I have mad skills for personal growth, I had experienced trauma as a young person and childhood trauma. And in my 20s was dangerously depressed and got just a magnificent therapist who honestly saved my life. and taught me how to live in a way that’s joyful and honest and true to myself. I was believing the big lie out there that alcohol makes your life easier. And so when I was going through this divorce, but there I was. And for me, I was suffering from the loss of dream. Like I was so grateful to have him out of my life, but I was lonely and I had this fantasy that Thank you. you know, having this man in my life was going to take that loneliness away. I knew better. So there I am thinking, I’ll just shortcut some of this pain and I’ll drink because I’m pretty much given alcohol. I’m going to say given it up because it wasn’t like an effort. I just wasn’t much of a drinker at that point. I was a crazy child in, you know, started drinking at 13, was drank like a rock star between semesters in college and in my early twenties. And then with the help of my therapist recognized it wasn’t serving me. So I just naturally didn’t drink anymore. Or if I drank, it was like that person who drank once a month. So I decided, yeah, I’m going to drink and I’m going to shortcut this pain. And I was going to do it for exactly a year. And imagine my shock when that year came and I went to stop drinking and it was stinking hard.

Speaker #0
So you made the decision to start drinking in your 40s. What most people are thinking about, I’ve been drinking almost all my life and I really think maybe I’m going to stop drinking. You said, I’m going to start up again just to make life easier, right? To handle the stress. You’re going through a divorce.

Speaker #1
Exactly what you were saying earlier about talking about women at our stage in life. I turned 60 tomorrow. happy birthday to me birthday i’m so excited i could think that we all believed the big lie that alcohol was going to make our lives easier and that’s what i believed so i’m not saying i wasn’t drinking at all because i was and as the difficulty and the obvious mistake of getting married to this person became more and more clear my drinking accelerated but i thought i really thought that I would just be able to stop like I always had before. Like in college, I was able to just stop drinking at semesters. I was studying computer science. It was very challenging. And there just wasn’t time for that. So I drank between semesters. Not a big deal. And it just hit me upside the head when I went to stop. And I couldn’t. And I used classic willpower. and beating myself up when it didn’t work. And over a period of years, I would stop drinking for a week or a month or six months. And when I would go back to drinking, my drinking would accelerate. So I started at like a half a bottle of red wine when I would say, you know, that was the end of the year and it was time for me to stop drinking. When I finished my drinking, I was drinking a full bottle of the most bold, probably high alcohol content red wine you can find with the claim that I liked the bold, earthy flavors. And not that that was higher alcohol content, which is really kind of bullshit. But I was drinking that bottle, sitting in front of Netflix, watching TV every night. And I wanted more. And that’s what really scared me.

Speaker #0
Did you ever think, you know, in between like trying to quit and then go, you know, starting back up and like, maybe I’ll just moderate because I did that for a while. You know, like I’ll just have one glass of wine on a Tuesday and, you know, only on the weekends. And right. It was like, I’ll just whatever moderation means. I mean, now I you know, now I know like moderation is like that’s like a meaningless term. Right. And then that decision to like try and like manage it. It’s like that’s just decision fatigue. Right. That just is exhausting.

Speaker #1
It is so much harder to moderate than it is to just stop. So much harder. But yes, I absolutely did all of those making up those rules. I’ll only drink on the weekends and I’ll never drink more than X amount. And oh, my gosh. absolutely did that. And then what would go on in my mind was I would stop for however long, three months, six months, and I would start getting the thought, oh, I’ve got this under control, which is also completely adorable because I didn’t, I’m laughing at myself in a very loving way. I did not understand how alcohol worked in our bodies. And I did not understand when I thought It would be easy to stop and it would be easy to moderate. Or now that I’ve stopped for six months, I can add it back in and now I won’t have a problem. And that would be true. There would be a period of a couple of months when I was only drinking once a week and then it was twice a week. And then what the heck every day. So let me stop and explain a little bit about what is going on in our bodies. Because… I think it will be really helpful for people listening to understand that if you’re in my situation or Heather’s situation, that… This is not your fault. I’ll be clear, it is your responsibility. Nobody’s going to fix it for you, but you. But it is not your fault. Our bodies are physically designed to become addicted to alcohol. Same way that we are designed to become addicted to our cell phones, video games, pornography, gambling, all of it. And… you know, I’m not much of a gambler, so I never gamble. So some people are thinking, well, that’s crazy that you’re saying that I’m physically designed to become addicted to gambling. If you did it enough and used gambling to solve your problems for that mental escape, you would probably become addicted to gambling. And I’m going to do a little science. Nobody panic. I’m going to make it really simple. So what’s happening in your body when you have a drink is It goes into your body and alcohol is both water and fat soluble. And to say that simply is it’s like camping in sand. It gets in every nook and cranny in your body and brain.

Speaker #0
That’s a great analogy. I like that.

Speaker #1
Yeah. If you’ve ever, you know, even spent a day on the beach, you know, you find it weeks later, it’s in your car, it’s in your hair, it’s just everywhere. That’s alcohol. It gets everywhere. So. It hits our brains and that euphoria that you feel, that woohoo, I’m buzzed feeling, is the alcohol hitting your reward center in your brain. And you get this big woohoo, alcohol, yay, this is so fun. And it hits, I don’t know, 10 to 100 times harder than our bodies are designed. Our brains are designed. We’re designed to be eating berries in a cave, not drinking alcohol. So if you eat a berry and, you know, you’re a cave person, you eat the berry, you get a little dopamine hit and it tells your body, oh, do more berries. That was awesome. That’s a good thing. But when we supercharge that berry as alcohol, now our brains say, whoa, too much. too much dopamine so to balance it it starts spewing out what i call the uh-oh chemicals so we had the woo-hoo chemical of alcohol and now we get the uh-oh my brain’s too excited i need to start dumping in dynorphin and cortisol and adrenaline to just tamp this down and here’s Which is why I say that drinking alcohol is like borrowing joy from a loan shark. It is because you get 20 minutes of woohoo, and it is followed by two to three hours of uh-oh. And the addictive quality comes in. This is all happening in your subconscious. You’re not thinking this. It’s just happening. So now you’re in this uh-oh, and your subconscious gets this idea. oh you know what would be great and what worked to make me feel better is another drink because i’m going to get that euphoria again and unfortunately because we have all these not feel uh-oh chemicals in our brain we never get that first we never get that same amount of euphoria right because you’re adding euphoria on to chemicals that don’t feel good So if the first hit of euphoria was at a seven, this next hit is going to be at a six and a half or a five. And then the next hit and then eventually you feel worse than when you started.

Speaker #0
But you still feel like you need it. I mean, you still feel that your brain is like, well, I want to get that back. And you could never fully get back the first experience.

Speaker #1
You don’t. In fact, when they measure people’s… hormones around drinking experiments, the biggest hit of dopamine we get is before we have our first drink in anticipation of the drink.

Speaker #0
Yeah, I learned that when I finally decided to quit for good. I learned about that and that was so surprising to me because I know a lot about the detriments of alcohol. I’m a nutritionist. I know, you know, but that didn’t, that wasn’t stopping me and enough. But then learning about just the, right, that you think about it, you take the glass out of the cabinet. Someone tells you, you know, like my husband said, I’ll go to the wine store. It’s right. It’s already starting. The whole process is starting in your head.

Speaker #1
Right. Think about how agitated you are before when you’re at a bar or restaurant before they’ve taken your order.

Speaker #0
Yes.

Speaker #1
And then think about the release you get when the order is taken and you know it’s coming. Right. You’re suddenly released. And so. People are going to be surprised by this and say like, no way, there’s no way that buzz only lasts 20 minutes and I never feel as good. And I think that the thing to do is just experiment. Try it. Just see. Notice how you feel when you’re reaching for the glass. Notice how you feel when you’re pouring it. For me, my drinking would start right as I finished my dog walk in the afternoons. And I live in… Canada. So it gets dark quite early. So by, you know, four 35 o’clock, I’m finishing up my dog walk and I’m going to have my first drink. And I would start thinking about that drink during my dog walk. So it’s almost like the dog walk triggered. Okay, here it comes. And my body’s like gearing up. Yeah, I’m going to get my dopamine and this is going to be awesome. So I really encourage people to have a mindful drinking experiment where you just follow it through and notice you never get that buzz back. That first one drunk and drunker and drunker, but you don’t get that first buzz back. That’s what’s happening in our bodies. And that’s why we say, you know, I ordered the first drink and the first drink ordered the second drink.

Speaker #0
I love that.

Speaker #1
Hemingway said, I hope I get this right. Man takes a drink, drink takes a drink. drink takes a man.

Speaker #0
What about those people though, that can really just have a glass of wine and then they just are like, no, I’m good.

Speaker #1
That is absolutely fine. If that’s what you want to do. I think the big lie here is that the idea that alcohol in moderation is safe. So when you look at the More science. When you look at the chemical compound that is alcohol, it is identical to the chemical compound you’re putting in your fuel tank. It is ethanol. And you look it up. There are some I had a girlfriend whose husband actually argued with her about this. He was so mad that she said that she just was like, look it up. It is. That’s it. That’s science. We can’t change that fat. And just like I said, it gets into every crook and crevice in our body. It’s that means it’s affecting our entire bodies. And if you think about if you went out and just had a slug of what’s in your gas tank, you would think, well, that will make you blind and kill you. Well, that’s why we water down alcohol and add sugar to it so that we don’t drink it too fast. And I know back in the day of… prohibition people did go blind and die because they made their alcohol too strong and it would kill them and there is a belief in fact i went to a menopause website because i was and it looked totally legit i thought i’ll just get some menopause facts just instead of trying to remember them and i just wanted to cry it said that a glass of wine at night to ease your stress symptoms from menopause. And I thought, oh my God, I want to cry because we’re going to start getting into what happens in our body when we drink alcohol. Alcohol disrupts our sleep. So in menopause, we’re already sleep deprived. And I had, even on hormone replacement therapy, my sleep was… mixed results at best. It was really bad before the hormone replacement therapy. It got better. But what I found out, it was the alcohol that was messing me up. So when we sleep, we have these cycles and they include light sleep, REM sleep, deep sleep, and you have like six or eight of those. And the last two cycles are your longest rem cycles and in those cycles we process the previous day’s emotions and When we drink alcohol, you don’t get those last two cycles.

Speaker #0
Exactly. Right.

Speaker #1
So not only are you not getting the sleep that you need, because you wake up at three, right? Everybody knows that 3 a.m. wake up with regret and shame, like that blanket of shame. I said I wasn’t going to drink. I drank anyway. Now I’m wide awake. You know, that all the chemicals, the chemicals that make you sleepy have worn off. And now we have this adrenaline left over in our system. And the other thing alcohol does when it stops these last two REM cycles is we firmly establish what we learned the day before in these last two cycles of sleep. So if menopause is already making you feel foggy headed. The alcohol is contributing to that.

Speaker #0
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker #1
So you’re not processing the emotions. And think about that in relationship to stress.

Speaker #0
Oh, it’s just a snowball effect. I mean, then you don’t, right, your sleep gets interrupted during critical times of brain repair and, I mean, for everything. I mean, sleep is so important. And then you don’t get a good night’s sleep. And then you wake up and then you’re right. It just, it just wreaks havoc on your stress levels because you’re exhausted and you’re just powering through the day. And then you think my brain fog probably has something to do with menopause. And a lot of women don’t even consider that it’s probably the alcohol that they were maybe using to try to fall asleep, to get drowsy at nighttime.

Speaker #1
Right. When I ended my relationship with alcohol, I believed two things. As I was ending it, I believe two things. One is that I would never fall asleep again. The other one was I would never have fun again. So I’m sitting in my armchair, watching Netflix, drinking this bottle of wine. I used to be, prior to that, such an adventurous person. Like traveled crazy places by myself. Southeast Asia in my 30s, hiking in the Himalayas. Rode my bike across the country one summer. Just self. contained, right? Just with the gear on the hooked on the back of the bike. I was a raft guide and a whitewater canoe instructor. I was like, drop me in the middle of Alaska tundra in an airplane and I’ll take my girlfriend’s camping. I was sitting in a chair doing nothing. And my life was getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And there is a cultural belief that if we, that I bought into that if we don’t drink alcohol, we’re never going to have fun again. And the place you get to when you realize that you’re over drinking is that you realize, if I keep drinking, I’m going to ruin my life and I’m not having fun. But if I stop drinking, I’m also not going to have fun. And this is why so many people wait until they hit like what they call the mythical rock bottom. And I’m here to tell you, there’s no such thing. Rock bottom is when you’re dead. It can always get worse. So don’t, there’s a belief that, oh, you’ll quit when you’ve hit rock bottom. You just haven’t hit it yet. You can quit way before then. Absolutely. And what I learned is there’s, actually, I was seeing these Facebook ads, because I am that old person who spends time on Facebook, and they were showing me images of people who were alcohol-free and claiming have rekindled the joy in their life.

Speaker #0
And you’re like, what? Wait, if I quit drinking, right, my life is going to be miserable. Well, because alcohol turns into like your best friend in a way, right? If you’re lonely, if you’re bored, if you’re right, it’s like there’s always your glass of wine to like, hang out with.

Speaker #1
It’s like the duct tape. And what are those Swiss army knife, I guess, of life skills, or that’s how it’s. advertise when in fact all it’s doing is numbing you yeah and what happens is because and if you watch tv with an eye towards this or look at pictures in i was um getting an airbnb the other day and they have the dining room table set with the alcohol you know the beautiful wine glasses always always Yes. grapes and the wine glasses and their beautiful spa tub. In movies, books, and Airbnb advertisements, you learn that you need alcohol to have fun at weddings. to grieve at funerals, to have fun at birthday parties, kids’ birthday parties. Mommy, wine culture, don’t get me started.

Speaker #0
Oh, I know.

Speaker #1
People coming around the block with the alcohol in their hand with the, you know, as they’re trick-or-treating. Now, I’m not judging them. I’m just saying you are missing out on so much joy. And here’s the science of why I can say alcohol is stealing your joy. Because we, our bodies, lose the ability or that just stops. It doesn’t lose the ability. Our bodies stop creating the joy chemicals because it knows that in a few hours, you’re going to add too many joy chemicals, right? You’re going to drink this alcohol and you’re going to get those woohoo dopamine euphoria. It’s too much. So the body thinks, I don’t need to keep pumping that out. Our bodies are very efficient. It’s not going to do these things it doesn’t need to do. And we literally lose our body’s natural dopamine production.

Speaker #0
That’s really interesting to consider is that once you’re hooked into alcohol, that you’re just constantly relying on… on a substance to bring the joy to you rather than creating it yourself.

Speaker #1
It is not your imagination that nothing is fun without alcohol. And you and the alcohol industry has created this. I went off on a group coaching the other day on the alcohol industry. It just chaps my hide. I use some spicy, spicy language by the end of it. Because what they’ve done is they’ve said here is this joy juice or this grieving juice or you know whatever here’s the thing that solves all your problems relieves your stress makes you happy helps you cope and we’ve already gone over it doesn’t do any of those things it makes all of those things worse but anyway here it is a highly addictive substance the most addictive it’s more addictive than heroin No one says the following.

Speaker #0
use heroin responsibly.

Speaker #1
But when I go into BC Liquors, which is in British Columbia, the province owns the liquor stores, there are drink responsibly signs. And it just infuriates me because what they’ve done is they’ve given you this addictive substance that you will get addicted to if you drink enough of it. And then they say, oh, by the way, if you get addicted, even though that’s how your body’s designed, it’s your fault because you bad person did not drink it responsibly.

Speaker #0
Right. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Right. Let’s get you addicted and then tell you to be responsible with it.

Speaker #1
Right.

Speaker #0
Like that makes no sense. I mean, it really, I know what, once the light bulb goes off and like you, like the veil gets drawn off of you and you realize. the marketing around it and what it’s doing exactly in your body and that how it is chemically identical to the gasoline that you are putting in your car. It’s just like, I mean, I guess then you can make a decision on what to do about it after that. Like if you want to continue drinking, okay. But now you know the facts, you know that these are facts. These are not. just, you know, our opinions on it. These are, these are real, like true, you know, truisms. And it’s hard to dispute that.

Speaker #1
You can’t, yeah, you can’t create your own facts here. And for the person who is having the occasional drink, I never judge. I am certainly not in a place to judge. And in fact, when I work with people, we don’t stop drinking immediately. We learn about alcohol first, and then we make a plan for how we’re going to start adjusting the way we think about it so that ultimately you just don’t want it anymore. But when you get to the health effects, which I’d really like to cover some of them because it is a class 1A carcinogen, and that is the same as cigarettes. And there is the Huberman Lab.

Speaker #0
which is a very popular podcast. He’s out of Stanford. He does almost a two-hour long show on the health effects of alcohol. So if you want a deep dive and you’re thinking maybe this lady doesn’t know what she’s talking about, go to his podcast. He has all the science in the show notes. It is a direct relationship between alcohol and breast cancer. In fact, when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, the first thing her oncologist said was, you need to stop drinking because she’s got some other health issues and she’s not going to be able to withstand chemotherapy. So she can’t have it a second time. So she needs to stop. It is esophageal cancer, colon cancer, liver cancer, liver disease, heart disease. The World Heart Organization has said, there is no safe amount of alcohol for your heart. So this idea that it was the reversitol in red wine that they were touting is the thing that makes heart healthy. Well, you can’t mix reversitol with gasoline and expect a good outcome.

Speaker #1
And, you know, I feel like those, I mean, I know all about this too, you know, like the connection to cancers and heart issues. And I mean, there’s, it’s. the list goes on and on. I mean, the direct correlation between alcohol and health issues. I always believe that the, that connection, like, oh, we can drink, like, you know, drink red wine. You can drink one to two glasses a day of red wine and that’s healthy. I mean, there’s very credible websites still to this day, which makes me crazy, health websites that still say, drink, drink wine, drink red wine. It’s heart healthy for you. And it’s not. And I think that that just came out of people who live in the Mediterranean. And like, you know, when they drink alcohol, I mean, they drink like a little like snifter of it with food, you know. And I don’t even know if that’s like hard. But we here in Canada and the United States do not drink like that. OK, it’s not a little like snifter glass. It’s like a it’s a couple of glasses of wine and it’s not to help you digest your food.

Speaker #0
And I don’t know how, like, the French got this. There’s this belief that French people drink all they want and they never have any bad effects. I know I have several coach friends in France and I’ve actually coached Canadians who live in France. And they’re like, you cannot believe how bad the alcohol use disorder is here. They’re like, it is so out of control. And they’re having the same health issues. But for some reason, they there’s a belief that that just isn’t true. And that’s something I should also mention that I missed on the sciencey bits is that it is alcohol use disorder and it is a spectrum. It is not so people believe that, you know, if you had someone in your family or, you know, a neighbor who needed to go to rehab, that that’s an, and I put an air quote, an alcoholic. And they are bad people and they’re lazy. And if they loved their families more, they would have stopped drinking. And there is so much wrong with that. It is a spectrum. And so if you are someone who is drinking a glass of wine a day and you go and do, let’s say, dry January or sober October, and you can get through it, but you cannot wait until. you know, the beginning of the next month for your drink, you are probably on the alcohol use disorder spectrum. And I can promise you, it doesn’t get better as you age. You just, not a whole lot of things do get better. Wisdom, sure. Physically, not a lot of things get better. And alcohol use disorder is one of them.

Speaker #1
Yeah. You don’t just outgrow your desire for alcohol. I mean, it doesn’t just like, I mean, although sometimes I hear. People say, I mean, women, I think a lot say like, oh, I used to be able to drink so much more. Now just red wine gives me a headache.

Speaker #0
Right.

Speaker #1
But I don’t know if they were ever big drinkers in the first place.

Speaker #0
Weren’t on the spectrum. And I’m going to say yet, because if they drank through those headaches, as I did, and the hot flashes, as I did, they are going to very probably wind up on that alcohol use disorder. Thank you. I was getting interviewed the other day by someone, and that statement made her really mad. Now, she was a daily drinker, and I thought, oh, boy, there you go. If that statement makes you mad, you might want to think about where you are, and you might want to take a month off. Once again, no judgment. I am a very thin-walled glass house. I am not in a position to throw stones. I just not, because I would just shatter. It would be like tempered glass. There would be nothing left instantly. So it is alcohol use disorder. And here’s the cool thing. We used to think that, like, I had a best girlfriend whose father was a severe on the alcohol use disorder spectrum. And he, I don’t know, he went through detox like nine times and was never able to get it out of his life. And I used to think all the bad things about him. And now I know the model available to him at that time didn’t work. And that’s the willpower model. And that willpower, willpower is like a battery. It runs down. Now, it’s a rechargeable battery. And this is why in that model you had to go and have daily. meetings, because you needed to recharge your battery every day. And people believed the way to stop drinking was to shame themselves. And that shame was going to solve this problem. And I love when I get a new group in and I say now, how many here are experiencing shame? And you get a lot of hands in the air, all of them really. And I say, is it working? Because my thinking is, if it was working, you wouldn’t be here. You know, we’ve all tried it. It doesn’t work. And there’s in the last 10 to 15 years, the MRIs and brain scans have become so powerful. We can actually see what’s happening in our brains. And so they’re able to create experiments on humans and find out what really does work. And I could promise you it’s not shame. It is positive emotion creates lasting change.

Speaker #1
Yeah. I mean, shame is, doesn’t ever work for anything. I mean, including diets, you know, anything you’re trying to make change, beating yourself up, right. Shaming yourself doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s temporary, you know, temporarily maybe, but it doesn’t, it doesn’t do anything.

Speaker #0
Oh.

Speaker #1
And, and I think now that, you know, like once people know that there is. reasons, concrete reasons why your brain might just want to keep going with alcohol and that the marketing around it tells you it’s really okay. It’s okay to drink in the afternoon with your girlfriends while you’re having a play date, all of it. I mean, there’s always a reason to drink, right? There’s a million reasons to drink. But I wanted to ask you a question just to just sidetrack a little bit out of this because Once you do then make the decision, I mean, and say like someone comes and sees you and has coaching and then learns all this information, it still feels there’s a lot of it’s almost like, I mean, I just remember this for me. It felt like I felt very vulnerable not having a drink in my hand out in social situations. I mean, a lot of my friends drank. It’s what we did together. You know, it’s what we do. We met at the beach for, you know, brought a bottle of wine. We met at a bar and had a tune for a glass of wine. It was just all, I mean, I just realized, I’m like, wow, this is all around me. And it took me a while to feel like more comfortable in social situations. I prepared myself in a lot. But what’s your thinking about or advice or, you know, when people think like I could never go out to a bar, I could never go out to a restaurant with friends and like not have a drink.

Speaker #0
And I think that one of the reasons for many of us is. because we think people are going to judge us. They’re going to judge us as we are that, like who would quit drinking if they didn’t have to? Who would quit drinking unless they were like getting multiple DUIs and possibly jail sentences or ruining their children’s lives? And if you think like that, chances are you might be on the alcohol use disorder spectrum because you’re projecting. your thoughts onto other people. Now, some people will think that, and they probably also are on the alcohol use disorder spectrum. I like the idea that we don’t owe anybody anything. And I encourage people to have a plan. And you mentioned plan, and I’m like, hey, Heather, plan, because if we go into these situations with, I’m just going to see what happens, I can pretty much guarantee you that’s going to let your subconscious take over. And your subconscious is going to reach for the drink. And you’re not even going to understand it. Like, so when people first come to me, they’ll say, now I said I wasn’t going to drink. And then there was a drink in my hand and I don’t even know what happened. Well, your subconscious is fast. That’s what happened. And what we learned to do is we learned to catch those thoughts before we act on them. So for the going out scenario, I recommend that people look up the restaurant or the bar and find out what mocktails are available or if they’re just going to have a spritzer, you know, whatever you’re going to do, have it in advance, make that decision in advance. Think about who you’re going with. And is there one friend who’s going to ask? Plan your response. People ask me, oh, come on, you can just have one. It doesn’t happen very often, but actually it was family, of course. And when a family member said to me, so you’re not drinking at all anymore, which was news to her because I used to drink with her a lot. And I said, no. And she said, come on, can’t you just have like, what’s the harm in a glass of wine once in a while? And I said, I can drink as much as I want whenever I want to. I just don’t want to. But you could also say, I’m on antibiotics. I’m taking a break. I am doing dry January for a charity. And it’s really important to me, you know, to be honest about it. You can make up any excuse that you want. I’m helping a friend who wants to be alcohol free. And so I said I would do it with her. I mean, that’s a great one because who’s a better friend to you than you?

Speaker #1
I love that. I mean, just having, right. I mean, I think first of all, making a plan is essential. I mean, even for my clients who are trying to lose weight, I mean, you’re going out to a restaurant, let’s have a plan, look at the menu, you know, see what you’re going to order first. I mean, so it’s so different and have an alcohol plan, you know, and know what you’re going to order, what non-alcoholic drink you’re going to order, who you’re going to be with, and then get prepared for those people who are. definitely going to question your drinking. Because I think for me, I felt like they’re questioning their drinking or they’re questioning why I’m not drinking because it makes them have to look at their drinking.

Speaker #0
Yes, that’s exactly it. That’s exactly it. And I also like to have an excuse prepared because I got to tell you, here’s a fun experiment. Even if you decide that you’re just not going to have, you know, you want to cut back, let’s say, so you’ll say in my plan, I’m not going to drink in the first round of drinks. I’m going to drink in the third round or, you know, whatever you decide, right? Watch people drinking. And it’s shocking. And it’s a little uncomfortable because you realize, I was like that too. You will find out, especially towards the end of the night, people aren’t really having a conversation anymore. They’re repeating themselves. They’re talking at each other. We think that drinking is this big connector. It’s not. Vulnerability is the big connector. Do you want to connect with someone? Say something vulnerable about yourself or ask about them. That’s how we connect. Alcohol does not. It lowers our inhibitions. And we simply need to learn the skill to become vulnerable without using that crutch. But I love having an excuse. And I have a very funny girlfriend who said, oh, my babysitter called. She’s dying. I have to go home.

Speaker #1
Yeah. And you know what? And who, I mean, lie if you have to, who cares, right? You’re doing this for you and, and whatever it takes to, to get yourself through the night or yeah. And have those backup excuses to save yourself the.

Speaker #0
Right. Oh yeah. And you might open the night with the excuse. Oh, I have a huge meeting at work tomorrow and I really want to be on it. It’s really important to me. So I’m going to leave early and get a good night’s sleep. Now, if you’re having fun… No one’s going to be mad at you for staying later, but you’ve already set it up where you can get out. And I also love having someone either in the group with you, if it’s your partner that’s supportive, or I coach in a lot of groups and people are always raising their hand for this. Someone who you could text, like go to the bathroom and if it’s starting to get hard, you’re starting to break out in a sweat. and you’re not quite ready to throw in the towel yet, contact somebody and reach out. And so we call it a buddy, a plan, a buddy, and an excuse.

Speaker #1
That’s a really nice tip because it is hard sometimes going to a bar, a wedding, you know, a family event where everyone around you is drinking. I mean, it just, it’s when, when those like early days of like stopping and making the decision, it can be, it can be, it takes a lot of courage. to do it. And then you realize too that like, wow, everyone’s drinking. And then by their like third, fourth, and like, no one’s making sense. No, it’s not that fun to be around people who are like, you know, at that level, you’re like stone sober and, you know, and clear headed. And, and then you can make those decisions that if you even want to go to a lot of these, these events.

Speaker #0
Well, I was just going to offer to all of your listeners, I offer this to everybody completely free. You don’t have to go. And if you would like Coach Lily to write you an excuse note that says, Coach Lily said, I do not have to go to Christmas Eve dinner with my husband’s drunk family. I will write you that note. Just shoot me an email, lily at coachingwithlily.com, free note writing service. You do not owe anybody your mental health. You just simply don’t. And so if it means, and I’m not saying you’re never going again. I’m saying this Christmas. Maybe, oh God, you know, COVID’s been such a drag, but let’s use it to our benefit. I just got exposed to COVID. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to risk giving it to grandpa. You know, you can just lie through your teeth. And the other thing you can do at events is, I don’t know about you, I snuck a lot of alcohol in before you could get it at movie theaters, into movie theaters, sporting events. I mean, I snuck alcohol in everything. I also give you permission to sneak in your favorite non-alcoholic beer or wine or whatever. Like if you’re going to a wedding and all they’re doing is serving, your choices are red and white wine and beer or a flat water. I give you permission to bring a bottle of bubbly water or a non-alcoholic wine. And when you think about it, you can make anything. the touchstone for your celebration. For some reason, the alcohol industry has decided it’s always alcohol.

Speaker #1
That’s right.

Speaker #0
Just your special glass. And when I come home from work and pour my favorite non-alcoholic, like people love kombucha, for example, you know, I pour kombucha in a beautiful glass and I add, I don’t know, some fresh cranberries and a sprig of thyme and a little lime, you know, whatever you do to make it special. You can make anything special. Alcohol doesn’t make it special. You make it special.

Speaker #1
But I love these permission slips.

Speaker #0
I will give them to you. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker #1
Letting go of alcohol definitely can be a process, but the benefits of it, the side effects are so great. The good side effects you can actually have fun in your life. You can live really peacefully and happy without alcohol. I think you and I are both testament to that. And we are women in midlife going through a lot of different emotions and physical changes and everything. And we’re doing it. And I’m thrilled that I do not have the anchor of alcohol dragging me down. And I’m sure that you feel the same.

Speaker #0
I am so grateful. the phase I am in life. I’m finished with menopause and I’m celebrating that. It’s been 13 years. But where I am is dealing with end of life with my parents. My father died a year and a half ago. My mother is in end stage dementia and it’s hard. It’s an effort for me to maintain my happy mojo when my mother is suffering like this, but I make it happen. Happiness, joy, their skills. And I got coaching around it. But I regularly say when I’m spending time with my mother, I am so grateful I don’t drink anymore. Because doing this with a hangover, I just can’t imagine. And now that I know what it was doing to my stress level, so I still, I’m like over three years in alcohol-free, and I am still regularly thinking how grateful I am. It’s not in my life anymore.

Speaker #1
I think that on a daily basis. I mean, there’s right because things come up all the time. I mean, there’s super stressful stuff that happens. And when it does, that is the first thought I have in my head. I’m so happy I’m not doing this with alcohol.

Speaker #0
Right.

Speaker #1
Just would totally mess up the entire thing. I mean, it just would exhausted, not clear headed, not thinking straight, everything. So, Lily, I’m so. appreciative of you just sharing your story and being so forthcoming. And I think people are going to get a lot out of our conversation today. And I wanted to just ask you just as a final question, how do you work and where can people find you? And do you work with people in the United States? I’m sure you do, right? Because I know you’re in Canada.

Speaker #0
I have clients from all over the place. I work over Zoom. So if you happen to live locally in Gibson’s British Columbia, I will work with you locally. But I actually do have some local clients, but mostly work over Zoom. And I typically, you know, I work with people on any stage of the spectrum. In fact, some people have been alcohol free for some time. but were doing it with willpower and didn’t have the freedom and the joy. That’s a missing piece. You want to get that freedom and joy. But you can find me at Lily at coachingwithlily.com or just go to my website, coachingwithlily.com. I do a complimentary discovery call where we spend, you know, usually ends up being about 90 minutes. I know that seems like a lot, but once you start talking about it, I find that people have never really had a place to take this before. And they have a lot to say. So it’s really, you’ll be surprised. And it’s scary. Like, you’d be, well, I guess you wouldn’t be surprised the number of people who have family emergencies right before the call happens, right? Because it is, it’s scary.

Speaker #1
Yeah, it is scary to talk about and to, and to admit to the thought that you might have a problem with alcohol or that you, and it’s not even so much of maybe a problem too, but that you are, it’s interfering in your life.

Speaker #0
not serving you anymore. It’s just not bringing you anymore. And I work with clients one-on-one and there is never any judgment. We don’t even go back to day ones. We have wins and lessons and that’s all we have. And we learn from each drink that we take, we learn something from it. And we take that lesson into the next day. And you are greeted with nothing but compassion. and non-judgment and joy.

Speaker #1
I love it. Lily, thank you so much. I’ll definitely put all your links in the show notes so people can definitely find you that way as well. And I just really appreciate you coming today. So thanks so much.

Speaker #0
I’ve loved it. Thank you very much.

Speaker #1
And as always, if you loved this podcast, please consider gifting me with a five-star review. It is so helpful for me to get the word out on real eating, our real bodies, and real food stories. Thank you so much and have a great week. Bye for now.