Embracing Vulnerability: Dai Manuel’s Inspiring Journey to Healthy Eating and Mindset Transformation in Midlife

Have you ever felt that your relationship with food is tied to deeper emotional struggles? Join Heather Carey in this transformative episode of Real Food Stories, where she sits down with Dai Manuel, a lifestyle mentor and executive performance coach, to explore the profound theme of vulnerability and its role in our personal food journeys. Dai opens up about his own battles with food and alcohol, sharing how a pivotal moment at just 15 years old ignited his commitment to reclaiming his health and happiness.

Dai’s story is a powerful reminder that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a gateway to self-awareness and lasting change. As he reflects on his idyllic childhood, which shifted dramatically after his parents’ divorce, he reveals how he coped with emotional challenges through overeating and escapism in video games. This heartfelt conversation dives deep into the significance of understanding our food beliefs and how they can shape our relationships with nutrition and health.

Throughout the episode, Dai introduces his unique framework of the five Fs—fitness, family, faith, finances, and fun—illustrating how these elements are essential for cultivating a balanced life. He emphasizes the importance of having a strong ‘why’ for change, which can be a powerful motivator in overcoming food confusion and self-sabotage. This episode is packed with valuable nutrition advice and healthy eating tips that resonate with anyone looking to foster a healthier lifestyle.

Listeners will find inspiration in Dai’s journey of transformation as he highlights the necessity of vulnerability in our pursuit of health and well-being. He discusses how the support of loved ones plays a crucial role in making lasting changes, especially for women navigating midlife health and the challenges of menopause. With insights on mindful eating practices and the importance of self-care, this episode is a treasure trove for anyone seeking to nourish their body and soul.

Join us as we explore the intersection of food and culture, the impact of emotional eating, and the journey towards body positivity. Whether you’re interested in cooking techniques, weight loss stories, or simply looking to empower your menopause journey, this episode offers a wealth of knowledge and relatable experiences. Tune in to discover how embracing vulnerability can lead to profound personal transformations, and let Dai’s story inspire you to take charge of your own personal food journey.

I would love to hear from you! What did you think of the episode? Share it with me :)

Support the show

Let’s Be Friends
Hang out with Heather on IG @greenpalettekitchen or on FB HERE.

Let’s Talk!
Whether you are looking for 1-1 nutrition coaching or kitchen coaching let’s have a chat. Click HERE to reach out to Heather.

Did You Love This Episode?
“I love Heather and the Real Food Stories Podcast!” If this is you, please do not hesitate to leave a five-star review on Apple or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Transcript:

Speaker #0
Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back. And if you are just tuning in with me for the very first time, it’s so nice to meet you. And I’m really glad you’re here with me today. I am your host, Heather Carey, nutritionist, chef, mom, and a woman who has been around the block with food. I want to open up about real food in relation to health, weight, and our bodies so you can make peace with what you eat. Hello, everybody, and welcome back. I had the pleasure of talking to Dai Manuel, who is a man with a vulnerable story to share. Dai is a lifestyle mentor and executive performance coach, and he shared very openly with me about his early struggles with food and alcohol and how he overcame both through honesty, openness, and a shift in mindset that starts from the inside out. Now, if you’re struggling with food or alcohol or anything else that you feel takes precedent over being present in your life,

Speaker #1
you will want to definitely take a listen to my interview with Di. So tune in. Hey, everybody. Today, I have Di Manuel,

Speaker #0
who is a lifestyle mentor and executive performance coach, and who knows the struggle of the juggle and keeping his health and happiness a priority. He models his work based on the five Fs, fitness, family, faith, and finances, with an overarching roof of fun, built on a rock-solid foundation of health. Dai is on a mission to inspire and positively impact one million role models across the globe, encouraging them to lead a functionally healthy life through education, community, and a whole lot of encouragement. As an award-winning digital thought leader and author, Dai has mastered the art of leading by example, always staying true to his values. He knows firsthand how challenging it can be to juggle life’s responsibilities while prioritizing health and happiness. So welcome to the podcast, Dai. How are you today?

Speaker #1
Thanks, Heather. Yeah, I’m doing fantastic. You know, Vancouver, Canada is a beautiful day today. It’s brisk out. but it’s going to get warmer later. And I love it. It’s just got it for a little walk, but to get ready for this great conversation we’re going to have. And I’m just, I’m honored to be here with you today.

Speaker #0
Fantastic. So a couple of weeks ago, we talked a little off air and I know you have a personal story that’s part of your overall life story. And you’ve had your share of personal challenges that I believe led you to where you are. today to become a coach who helps to inspire change in others and live their best lives. So why don’t we just start there with your story? I mean, I know we talked about your childhood a little bit and your relationship with alcohol and I just am suspecting that that probably has influenced where you are now. So why don’t we just jump in with that?

Speaker #1
Well, thanks, Heather. You know, like many of us, and I’m sure there’s a lot of people listening and watching this that are, will be very, they’re going to relate, I believe, because I think we all relate to this, you know, I’ve sort of go by Joseph Campbell’s work, and he coined the term the hero’s journey, you know, this, this idea of all of us going through this life and struggling. And as Buddha says, you know, you don’t get out of this life without some suffering. And, you know, we all have those moments, but it’s what do we do in those moments? right and more importantly what do we do after and uh i’ve definitely found myself in a couple situations where uh you know pardon the cliche but that proverbial rock bottom i felt like i was there but more than that i was like hey i wonder what’s under this rock you know like i’m gonna pick it up and crawl under it oh look at that you can go deeper there’s a sub-basement you know like anyways you know so i i can appreciate when people are feeling that that place of despair and like there’s nowhere else to go and uh you know to be fair my life up to about age nine was very idyllic you know very very rockwellish you know like it was my brother and i with my parents we had some pets had a nice home both my parents were working professionals um my dad had a vet practice that he started and and you know i’d go as far to give him the label he was a workaholic um i grew up watching that it was just normal um but my mom She loved to work. She got great fulfillment as a registered nurse. And… But she always had a side hustle. Always. You know, my mom was the one that always had something going on. Whether it was a little antique store or, you know, eventually getting into more of a B&B to work as an interior designer. Like, I mean, it was just always something going on the side. And so I grew up with that. And so that was very normal seeing these types of things and also picking up on that work ethic. But at age nine, you know, sort of that bomb was dropped. My brother and I, and, and, you know, I’m going to date myself right now. I’m an eighties child. Right. So born in late seventies, really those formative years were during the eighties. That’s okay.

Speaker #0
You’re not dating yourself.

Speaker #1
I have to, for my kids, give them context, right. Cause they just don’t understand. Cause this is pre Google. Right. Oh yeah. That’s how my kids are older than Google. So you guys smarten up, you know, I know what the world’s like without all this tech. um And, of course, they always rebut with, well, are you older than TVs, too? You know, and I’m like, oh, now you’re watching. Who pays for your education? That’s what I’m saying. But, you know, so here at age nine, though, a bomb was dropped. And my parents told my brother and I that they were getting divorced, you know, and separating and ultimately divorcing. And, you know, I know a lot of people are thinking, well, that’s not a big idea. I mean, gosh, more than half the relationships in the world nowadays end in divorce. And it’s like, sure. But back in the mid-80s, growing up in a small town, there was a lot of stigmatized beliefs around that. You know, and there was only one other kid in my class that didn’t have his original parents together. So right away, you know, there’s this minority group and we don’t have any outlets, anyone to speak to or talk to. And there’s no resources. I don’t get to go online and find communities or information to help me with this. And my parents, you know, they were busy. They had their own stuff going on. I can relate to it now because being in my mid-40s now, you know, that was sort of the age that they were when this all… transpired as well, you know? So it’s kind of neat to see that differently now. You know, I have a lot more respect and empathy, but I’ll tell you going through it back then, I didn’t know what to do. And that emotional overwhelm, I was looking for something that I could control and I found something. And that thing was video games, movie watching, and really eating my emotions, or I should say eating to influence my emotions. I learned very quickly that if I eat certain types of foods And these are foods that are usually very high calorically speaking. So they have lots of calories, but very poor nutrition value, you know? And so I’m not sitting around Heather saying, hey, Heather, Heather, can you pass me some more salad, please? You know, like that was never said, okay? Yeah,

Speaker #0
you’re not getting like satisfied on carrots and celery, right?

Speaker #1
Oh, no, not at all. And so, you know, this became my normal. And I found very quickly I could influence how I was feeling in those moments by eating certain things or doing certain things. And that was a valuable lesson as far as understanding how to escape from my life. And that that continued for almost six years. And by the time I was age 15, I remember very distinctly the day my mom took me to the doctor’s office. Dr. Quinn pulls my mom aside and said, hey, Betty Ann, Di is morbidly obese. And meanwhile, I’m sitting in the office, the door’s ajar. I can hear them having this conversation, which I think was by design. And I’m already feeling pretty low. Like I’ve got dealing with some mental health challenges, especially social anxiety, feeling very depressed. You know, I was lonely. I was based on my own choice, though. I was very introverted. You know, I sort of escaped. And I remember we came out of that. And, you know, of course, my mom’s concerned. And she’s always been someone that’s battled with her weight as well. So she feels somewhat responsible for my current state. And, you know, it really wasn’t their fault. It was me. You know, I was choosing to do that. And life was just really hard. It was really hard. But, you know, before I turned 16, I had this moment one day. And I know down the state side, you have ESPN. And up in Canada, we have TSN. the sports network, right? And I always used to love watching the highlights because, you know, they’d have these TSN turning points, right? These moments where just everything changes, the tide changes for maybe somebody that was losing or behind a few points and they come out ahead to win it, right? This turnaround story. And I used to love that, right? Who doesn’t love those kinds of stories? I mean, come on. And, you know, my TSN turning point was at 15 one day getting out of the shower and I didn’t have a chance to do my hack. And Heather, I had this great way of, I’d stay in the shower just a couple minutes longer right before I get out. And I turn the water on really hot because I knew inevitably it would create so much heat in the room that the mirror would be covered in condensation by the time I got out. This way, I didn’t have to look at my reflection. This is the extent of which I avoided to even acknowledge how I was. And I know everyone can relate to this. You know, like when we’re feeling really low, we don’t want any reminders of where we’re at. You know, it’s like, I already know where I am. I don’t need you telling me. Right. And that morning, the mirror wasn’t covering a condensation. I was being rushed by my dad to get out for some commitment. I don’t know what it was even. today but uh regardless i got out and in my peripheral as i was toweling off i just decided to turn and look at me and um and it was hard it was really hard like instantly i just just became very overwhelmed with emotions and uh what preceded was uh the ugliest of cries you know it was i mean is crying ever pretty i mean probably not but uh it was that uncontrollable sobbing you know and just literally uh as quickly as i was trying to tell myself off i was i was getting equally wet, especially on my cheeks and chest downward, right? And it was hard because I saw myself for really the first time. And I also acknowledged, wow, I am this person looking back at me, but I don’t like that person. And this feeling, right, just sort of overcame me. And I found myself just questioning everything, certain ideations as well that I don’t need to bring up. But as most people with those mental health challenges, that’s a very… very much a reality that seems very appealing at times you know um but something in me just started to realize you know sort of this question it’s like what if things don’t get better than they are right now like what if what if this is as good as it gets and i was like well it can’t be as good as it gets because i know it’s taken me about five years to get here things haven’t gotten better well if i keep doing this By the time I’m 20, you know, five years from now, because right around then, there was also a lot of talk at the high school. You know, you meet with the guidance counselors trying to figure out where are you going to go. And so this future ideation was very much present for me, which is probably a good thing at the time, because it forced me to really take account of where am I at right now and where do I want to go in the next few years, you know, and complete honesty here. I was more afraid of not changing. You know, I really became very, very scared that, you know, I wasn’t going to change. And so much so that as intimidating it was to try to acknowledge myself that I think it’s time to make some changes. I didn’t have any idea what that was or how to do it or what I would do. Or more importantly, who might help me? You know, like, I don’t know if I can do this on my own. And so there’s all these big W questions, right? The big W’s floating around my mind. Yeah. And, but I didn’t care, you know, I did that. That was less fearful than the idea of putting on more weight, becoming more introverted and continuing down this path that I’d been on. And I remember charging out of the bathroom, got, got dressed, of course, and found my dad in the living room. And I’m like, hey, found my dad. And I’m just, and he could see something was going on with me. Cause I was like agitated. Obviously my, my eyeballs read from the crying. But I said to him, I’m like, dad. I don’t want to be like this anymore. You know, I want to be healthy. And my dad, he was controlling his elateness, right? Like he was happy at this point because, you know, over the years, him and my mom. I mean, when you have kids, all you want to do is make that smile reappear when they’re feeling down. I mean, it’s the hardest thing as a parent and senior kids. I’m happy. And I really, I get that now in such a big way, you know, being a father of two. And my dad’s like, okay. Oh, sure. Yeah. What can we do? You know, like, how can I help you? And I’m like, dad, you know, I remember as a kid, I used to love riding on a bike. Do you think we could get me a bike? And sure enough, it’s like, yeah, let’s do that. And we literally went out within the hour and got me a bike. I brought it back, went out for a bike ride. It was about three blocks. I was pretty gassed after I wasn’t going very far initially, but I was excited that here was something I could do. I enjoyed it. I knew it was going to be hard, but… I was excited that this is how the change is going to start.

Speaker #0
And that’s a lot of insight for a 16 year old. I mean,

Speaker #1
I’ve unpacked it now. I’m sort of repeating back. I’ve also, you know, I’m skipping over some stuff, but, you know, it wasn’t until my early 30s, about 15 years ago, I really gave myself the space to go back and reconcile things with myself as that younger self. You know, we often hear people speaking about this type of inner work and I’m a big. proponent for it now at the time i used to be think it was more woo than anything and uh um and i’m just being honest you know that was sort of my opinion my belief system you know thinking that I’m not crazy. I don’t need to see a psychologist. And this is just where I was. Early 30s, most of my association with other men that had the same belief would say the same things. And so I was just doing what everybody else was doing that I was hanging out with. And I didn’t know anything different. And this was something that’s been repeated quite often in my life up until my early 30s. It was sort of trying to keep up with everybody else, trying to do what everybody else or what I believed everybody else expected of me. versus actually getting honest with myself what do i want you know like who am i and really big questions of course and those weren’t questions that were front of mind for me as a teenager because if you were to ask me what was the big motivation i’ll tell you heather i wanted a girlfriend okay i did i that was the extrinsic driver for me at that time i and you know to if we dig below that obviously i was wanting somebody to want me you know i wanted to feel like i had something of value. And I was seen as someone of value. And I got started with that change. You know, I went to the library, got books out. You know, and this is where my kids usually interject. They’re like, why don’t you just Google it? Well, hey, I’m older than Google. You know, like, and they just don’t get it, right? They don’t understand how to find a book in a library, which I think is hilarious. But, and I brought them back and I just started to consume information to grow my knowledge. I also started to gain a little bit of confidence as I started to see some changes. you That gave me a little bit of a, well, maybe I can talk to a couple of my peers at school, you know, some of the cool kids, the jocks, right? Like maybe just ask them, you know, and, and fortunately for me, like there was one guy in particular that was very good at answering questions for me, especially when I talk about exercise or working out, you know, he’s a really fit guy and I admired him and, and he was opening those conversations. So, you know, this started what turned into a 20 month journey and really it’s been my life ever since then. Thank you. It took me 20 months to release the weight that took me six years to put on. And that’s a big thing I want people to take away if they don’t take away anything from this little anecdote here is that, one, change. When you decide for it to happen, start doing things differently than you’re doing before. Change does happen rather quickly if you want. But more importantly, this idea of I didn’t know where I was going with that. Anyway, so we’ll just leave it at that. Like it’s.

Speaker #0
No, I agree with you. I’m going to interrupt you for that change. I think it can happen very quickly. It’s just that this is where like I’m listening to your story and like this is I’m really intrigued because, you know, there’s that line between you’re in you’re in something, you know, you’re overeating, you’re eating emotionally, you’re eating to soothe your feelings. I totally get that story. a similar story when I was younger too and then there’s like this line that you just cross over, you know, and like you, like a switch clicks on, this sounds like for you, you know, and like you’ve had enough, like you’ve had enough, you know, and you’re compassionate enough with yourself to, to change. Now you had, you wanted a girlfriend too. And, you know, I mean, that’s, that’s valid. But then, but then once change, once you make the decision for change, it can happen really quickly. It can happen pretty quickly.

Speaker #1
Yes.

Speaker #0
You know, so it sounds like that’s what happened with you.

Speaker #1
It did. But there’s still a lot of questions because there’s so many unknowns. Right. And I know the unknowns can be very intimidating for all of us. You know, the fear of the unknown. We often hear about that. Right. And because it does usually imply there will be some changes, you know, that are coming and change is typically challenging. I mean, it just is. Right. The bigger the challenge, the more the change will be, will pronounce the change. I from my experience and what you know, I’ve heard from others, it seems to be par for the course, but it’s not like we wake up in the morning and say, hey, you know what I want today? Yeah, I want some more change. You know, I just don’t think we really wake up like that, right? Yeah,

Speaker #0
people don’t like change. I mean, change is uncomfortable. I mean, change is scary. And, you know, when you’re in a routine of, you’re probably, you know, like as a 16 year old, like that’s, it can be terrifying to think about, you know, changing. And all the what ifs and everything. And then you have to deal with it. And then you have to keep, you have to deal with the long-term change. You know, then like you change and you lose your weight, you know, the weight. And then I’m just wondering, was there a point where you felt fearful that you could go backwards?

Speaker #1
There’s always that concern, that fear. But I never really gave it a lot of thought, to be honest with you. You know, I knew. The path that I was then on, the way that I felt when I would work out and the way that I would feel by eating certain foods versus what my normal way of eating was before, I just, I noticed very, very, I mean, it was real, you know, like my energy was different. I wasn’t feeling like I needed a nap. My joints started to feel better. You know, my, my homeroom class was on the third floor. So I’d rather walk three flights of stairs every morning. Right. And, and I remember not being gassed or not having a little bit of a bead of sweat form on my brow, you know, like that was a big deal. That was a sign that there’s things for changing. And they were changing because I was choosing to do certain things that would allow for the change to happen. And so it did build this sort of confidence for me that I can change and I can change when I want to. But here’s the thing. I was so focused on the exterior. Anything that was perceivable from people from the outside looking in, I did no inner work. The idea of personal development, Self-development now. I, it wasn’t even there, even though people would argue that, you know, what I was doing was self-development. I mean, I wasn’t thinking of it like that, you know, it was just like, I want to get my body looking healthy. So hopefully other people either think I’m cool or give me attention or, you know, maybe, maybe a girl will like me, you know, and, and that’s what I believed I needed to do to create that. And then again, I’m a 15, 16 year old boy. And most of my inputs at that time is through media or, you know, peers at school. So, you know, that was just what I thought and felt. And but I remember at age 17, so I’d made these changes, but I was still perceiving myself as that morbidly obese teenager. You know, that that inner person, that that way that I would often see myself even in the mirror and whatnot. I mean, a bit of body dysmorphia, for sure. But more importantly, you know, the mental aspect of my health hadn’t improved, really. You know, I still had a lot of those feelings. and and that low self-opinion and just, you know, depression was still there and I was still quite introverted. But I remember being invited to a party and going, and I also remember being offered my first drink, you know, and then another one. And I remember how I felt after those two drinks. I remember a lot of those inner voices got really quiet, you know, so much so that, I feel pretty good right now. You know, there’s those girls over there. I know we’ve been looking at each other. I’m going to go talk to one of them. you know, and, and then even interacting with other guys, it was just more dynamic, more engaging. I found out I was more extroverted and I found that people were responding really well to that. Well, it doesn’t take a rocket science to figure out where I’m going with this, but I started to associate the person I was when I would drink as being the person that people preferred. That was who they valued more. That was who they were inviting to come to the party next weekend, you know?

Speaker #0
Right. And a guy who drinks a lot and. can be the party guy.

Speaker #1
I’m a fun guy when I drink. I always was. It wasn’t like I was a bad drunk. I was very fun, very jovial. I saw it as a pass to do the things that I always wanted to do. Be the extroverted guy, be the jokey guy, be the guy that people want to hang out with. And really a lot of that, just that ego play. But again, I was 17 at the time and alcohol seemed to provide me that. It created the bridge and it became a very regular thing. And so much so that even well into my 20s, you know, you meet my wife, it met her under the pretense. I had a few drinks in me, you know, at a restaurant. And it was an introduction through my brother and things, you know, took off. But, you know, just to give a prime example of how much this played into my life in my 20s, my eldest daughter, her name’s Chardonnay. OK, and it’s not off the grate. OK, it was. So. But my wife and I shared a lot of bottles of Chardonnay when we were initially courting and really taking our relationship to a serious level. So it was always very meaningful. And it was a name I liked, you know, being that I do speak French and I appreciate the French. And I love that, just that name. But that was just how prominent alcohol was. I mean, it was so significant. It was such a big part of our life. I named my first daughter off of my favorite wine, right? That’s interesting. Yeah, this is, again, just to give some context. And meanwhile, though, in my 20s, you know, I moved across the country. I started going to university, but then I fell into a career selling fitness equipment. And I realized I’m actually pretty good at this because I like I can talk to people about health and fitness. It’s something that I love. I’ve had a big transformation myself, so I feel very much I can help others with that, too. Alcohol was just always there. All right. It was always there. And it’s so acceptable.

Speaker #0
Yes, exactly. I mean, everyone’s doing it, right? I mean, seemingly. And it is very normal and acceptable.

Speaker #1
yeah how normal it is especially even today now you know because after the pandemic i mean when you look at the statistics of what industries really experienced a boom the alcohol industry massive oh massive like ridiculous like we’re talking like you know 3x 4x like crazy and um i mean it could be a reallocation because there was no restaurants we can argue that but you know i talked to even some of my close friends you know they recognized that their consumption just went up. There’s nothing else to do and you find yourself sitting at home. And so it is just very real for everyone. You know, I don’t think anyone gets out of this one. And, you know, it became very normal for me. It was 15 years, age 17, when I had that first sort of drink to age 32, where the wheels on the proverbial bus fell off in a big way. And everything that I had worked for and believed that was what I wanted, you know, I’m like, I do. I’ve always been someone that I like to think I’m someone of integrity, someone that honors their values. Because, you know, when we have these core values, those are sort of the things like Heather, and I know you’re aware of this, but for those that are listening or watching, you know, like these core values are those things that are non-negotiable. They’re hardwired beliefs that usually have been instilled in us for a very long time. You know, we are sort of creatures of habit, but we’re also creatures of our environments at times, you know, and so that. you know, sort of nature versus nurture idea that they both apply. And so certain beliefs around family were always things that I maintained as being very important to me because they were, and I was raised that way. However, when I would drink, I remember even turning my phone off to tell my wife, oh, my phone died. Sorry, babe, I lost track of time, you know, so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting home, you know, or, and I mean, that’s just. tip of the iceberg. There’s lots of things that I would do that would compromise on my values. And this is where I think a lot of us run into challenges, you know, because it creates a situation that’s far worse, in my opinion, because we’re constantly lying to ourselves. You know, we portray ourselves as one thing, but we know truthfully, this is how we’re really showing up. What we truly are valuing and prioritizing, which for me was drinking and showing up as that guy when I would drink. And it’s hard. It’s hard. And my wife, she was going to have nothing to do with it. You know, we got to 10 years in our relationship. You know, we’d had many conversations about my drinking. But I was always very good at being great for a few weeks after one of those conversations to the point that I would be like, yeah, look at how good I’ve been the last few weeks. Well, I’m going out tonight with a guy supplier in town, you know, I’m celebrating the guys tonight. I’m going to take them out after work, you know, like just.

Speaker #0
Well, there’s always an excuse, right? I mean, when you’re in that, you know, and when you’re numbing out with alcohol, you know, so like it sounds like you went from like kind of numbing out with food and then transferred it to alcohol. And when you’re numbing out with alcohol, there’s always, always a great excuse. I mean, it’s Friday night. It’s happy hour. I’m having a bad day. I’m having a good day. Let’s celebrate. There’s always something. something right i’m breathing today this is a good let’s celebrate yeah there’s always there’s always a justification for it until you realize right what’s you know what you’re really doing is yeah is numbing it doesn’t matter how much good you do though because that that that habit

Speaker #1
that one thing can undermine all the good like almost instantly especially if it’s something that everyone’s aware that’s a challenge and there’s a, an intention to maybe improve on that. And, and you constantly just don’t, right? Like I wasn’t, I was just not respecting it because I didn’t really want to change. I didn’t, you know, and I, it was such a huge part of, of my identity. I was like, I don’t know how I can be anything other than this. And this is what I always thought I was working towards. So why would I change that? You know, like, and then at 32, you know, everything changed my, my wife and now I won’t go into all the. whole story but if people are interested i did do a tedx talk about this a couple years ago where i shared about this this very particular moment and uh i’ll give you sort of the up in canada i don’t know if we even have anymore again dating myself cole’s notes versions of uh the story people probably like what’s cole’s notes it used to be a bookstore anyways and you could buy these little crib notes of of all you know if you had a paper due and you didn’t want to read the scarlet letter you could go find this little pamphlet that would give you all the you the high notes, right? Oh yeah. Anyways,

Speaker #0
those two, we have, they’re called something else. I can’t remember. Okay. Yeah. I think.

Speaker #1
Yeah. So the Cole’s notes was, I’m going to give you that version. And, and, um,

Speaker #0
Long and short of it, we were sitting at the table after this one morning. It was actually almost noon because I wasn’t waking up. I’d been out all night the night before, and I don’t remember how I even got home. I didn’t even make it to bed. I slept on the Berber beside the bed that night. I mean, it was just not a good night. And when I got down to the kitchen, she sat me down rather quickly, and there was this look in her eye. And it was. I could just tell that this is something very serious. It was a look I’d never had before from her. We’ve been together for 10 years at this point. Both of our kids are under the age of six. So it’s not like we had just met. I mean, we got some history. And she was looking at me in this way that made me feel so fearful, you know, like really afraid. Not so much of her, but afraid of the situation I’m walking into. Because there’s something here. There’s something big happening. And she sat me down and almost immediately out of her mouth, she’s like, well, we need to formulate a plan on how we’re going to co-parent our kids because this isn’t going to continue. This is not the environment that we’re raising our girls in. And of course, I’m like, oh, gosh, what do you mean? Like, you know, trying to justify myself and like I would do every time, right? Like, and, It was just falling on deaf ears. She wasn’t giving it any time or attention because to be fair, the time for excuses were done, you know, no more of that. And, and as much as I would often say, here’s what I’m going to do, or these are changes I’m going to make. I was very good. Again, part of my sales background, now my speaking background, I can, I can be articulate when I need to be. And I, convincing, you know, and, and she just saw through it all. And she’s like, listen, I don’t want to hear anymore. I want you to show me. And, you know, I was ready for her to say that. And she proceeded after a little bit more time. She asked me a question. And this is ultimately the crux of this story. Everything, my whole life story, really. This is that pinnacle moment where really everything finally changed for real. Like not just the external, but the internal was then put in a position to change. And she asked me a question, said, die. Are you being the type of man you’d want to marry your daughters? Oh man, Heather, I was like, oh my goodness, you could not have asked a worse, better question ever. You know, like it was instantaneous almost because I had this instant vision of someone like me at that time showing up on my doorstep, wanting to come in and get close to the three most important women in my life at that time. I wouldn’t let them across the threshold. There’s no way. There’s no way. But that’s what I was modeling. That’s how I was mentoring. Just do my actions every day, showing my kids, this is what a dad is. This is what a husband is. This is what a son is. This is what a brother is. This is what a business owner is. This is what a community leader is. This is what I was telling them. Like, I was the bar, right? The standard. And I wanted them very high, you know? And I realized this very quickly in her asking me that question. you know i’ll sort of skate over some of the stuff but i got to a place where i was just i’m ready to make a change and it was it’s eerie because it was that same sort of feeling i experienced at 15 looking in the mirror when i got out of the shower that day and finally saw myself you know but i think in this instance it was like christie’s eyes were reflecting back you know really what i was at that time specifically around alcohol just this relationship i had with it was not healthy at all You know, and it was my first time really accepting that because, you know, what’s interesting is and I just got to say this because I’m sure there’s some men listening that are maybe opinionated or maybe. Let’s just say maybe you have a differing belief around this. But I, I remember very distinctly being out with the guys on some nights and, you know, we’d be watching the UFC, having a few rounds. The conversation is very surface, right? Like we’re never going very deep. We’re not going to be talking about the meaning of life or any of that stuff. I mean, that’s not happening in these conversations. But we would often talk about our spouses or our partners. And it wasn’t positive conversation. It was usually us begging about stuff, you know. And it was just so normal and okay. But I also remember them very passionately defending my drinking. Like justifying that everything I was doing was totally right. And my wife said, you know, she’s wrong. You know, like now, and especially after that conversation, I’m just like, oh, my goodness. You know, birds of a feather, right? Like, it’s just so. I just want to invite people really take a hard look at who you spend the most amount of time with. And if you’re not thinking or speaking or believing similar things to those individuals, and it’s not a positive thing, what you’re believing in, chances are it’s just this collective, you know, it’s just it’s hard to break that cycle. Right. Because of those connections, we think, well, they’re my best friends and, you know, like we’ve been friends forever. And anyway, so I won’t get into that too much right now. um I realized that everything to this point was my own doing. And I made a commitment to go one year without drinking. And I know there’s people like only a year. Sounds like you’re kind of at a worse problem than that. Maybe you should just be like not drinking at all. And listen, I tried making those statements before. I’m never going to have another drink again. You know, it’s usually after an all night stipper, right? Or, whoa, I’m never doing that again. Right. But you sort of say it jokingly, and, you know, three days later, it’s like, oh, yeah, what are we having for lunch? It is, yeah, it’s FVR, right? Yeah. Yeah. It’s amazing how quickly you can forget. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Heather. But I decided I was going to go one year, you know, because it was something that was measurable, but also what I felt was attainable. You know, I mean, if we follow the SMART goal acronym, right, like it was very specific, measurable, attainable. I thought realistic, but it was also time bound, right? It was one year. And I’ve been successful at doing a couple of sober months, like sober January’s to kick off my new year’s. I think I’d done that twice. So, you know, and that’s 15 year span. I’d had two months where I was sober. Right. I mean, it’s.

Speaker #1
Yeah.

Speaker #0
I was pretty embarrassed sharing this, to be honest. I used to be embarrassed about this, but it’s like so far removed. It’s like I’m talking about a different person now. Right. Like it’s just, but that’s just what I was. That’s how it was.

Speaker #1
Yeah. And when you do things like sober January that you’re just like. looking at the clock almost like counting February 1st.

Speaker #0
Well, we weren’t even one more. We waited till like midnight. We timed it to have a late dinner. And yeah, anyway, so I’m embarrassed about that.

Speaker #1
But I understand. Yeah,

Speaker #0
we were we were eager, right. And so we made that commitment to go one year and you know, I made it to my girls, you know, I got all three on the couch and made that commitment to them. But It was me that wanted it. Like I let them know I’m doing this for me. I would say it was my second most uncomfortable conversation in my life. You know, the first one proceeded a few weeks later when I realized, holy smokes, what did I commit myself to? You know, I’m five, six weeks in and I’m like, this is unbearable. I didn’t know how to function. Like they had become such wonderful crutches for me to function in my life. I took those crutches away, but I had a bad leg. you know, and I was limping pretty bad and it was tough, like really, really hard. And we sat down one night on the couch and I don’t know what came over me, but it was the very first time in my life I’ve ever been a hundred percent vulnerable with my wife. You know, there’s always those things that you hold back, right? We all hold back. But when you get to know somebody, especially if no one knows me better than her, but even in our relationship of 10 years at that point, I’d never truly been open with her about what was going on internally for me. You know, I could express happiness and I could express anger, but those are the only two shades of emotion I was good and comfortable at describing. I imagine there’s like a hundred men, thousands of men listening to this right now being like, oh, yeah, I know what you’re talking about. You know, it’s it’s and I pardon the cliche and stereotypes, but it is very true. And I can only say this because, you know, I run men’s groups and I do a lot of facilitating in this space now. And I hear this often, very often. And so I just. verbal diarrhea all over my life. I told her everything that I was feeling. I told her about how I felt as a kid and how I felt when I drink and why I feel like I need to drink, you know, to have connection in life. And if I didn’t drink, Christy, I don’t think we’d be together, you know, like just going through everything with her. We got to the end of that. And she’s looking at me and she says, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. It’s going to be okay. I love you. It was perfect, you know, perfect answer. And then she says, I think you should talk to somebody. And at the time, again, I shared with you sort of my belief around mental health supporters, people that work in the space and help people with that, especially psychologists. I had a very negative opinion on that. And so but in that moment, I was like, I felt so good after sharing with her. Like so good. Like I felt this weight lifted, you know, it was very cathartic. It was like that ugly sob I had in the bathroom at 15, right? Same sort of emotional release that I experienced. And I was like, well, there’s obviously something to the Sharon thing. So, okay, I will. I’ll talk to somebody. Went out and found a psychologist, also found a relationships counselor, like a therapist to work with us on communication. But a little funny side note, we’re on the couch there coming to the end of that first session. You know, she’s looking at Christy now. She’s like, you know, Christy, I think it’s better if Di comes back on his own for a bit. You know, so I just thought it was funny. Full intention couples, you know, therapy, but they wanted me back by myself. So, um… I’m not painting a pretty picture, I know, but I want people to know that’s just how things were. But from everybody on the outside looking at us as a family and as me as an individual and most people had no idea, no idea that things were as as unruly as they were, you know, and I went all in. So really with my fitness changes, I mean, because I learned that change is possible. It’s possible when I decided to make things happen. But I also I fully committed everything. to getting healthy. And so here I was again, I’m like, well, I’m going to commit everything to doing this work to really figure out who am I. I mean,

Speaker #1
that’s what I think that’s, that’s what I’m hearing a lot from your story is that you did a lot of, you know, this initial like outer work, you know, you had an issue with food and you’re just going to buckle down and lose the weight and get fit and everything. And then same with alcohol, you know, right. You had this. this problem and you were just going to fix it right like a lot of men do you know and and you know a lot of women i mean you just want to you want to get it fixed but you need to start from the inside oh gosh yeah right and it sounds like it took your experience this bottoming out you know if you want to call it you know with alcohol to then finally get really vulnerable with your wife and get real.

Speaker #0
And I went all in. you know, when you fully apply yourself to change or a change process, it’s incredible how quickly it can happen, especially when you’re feeling supported, you know, because it takes care of a lot of that fear. But more importantly, it also provides the clarity and the confidence to continuously take the actions. You know, I find it’s that lack of clarity that creates lack of confidence. And when you’re not feeling confident, I mean, gosh, we procrastinate like crazy. You know, I do. I progress. I’ll put things up. I’ll do everything but the thing. And I didn’t want to allow that to happen this time. So I just went all in. I literally did. I went like, what’s the worst that can happen? You know, and the worst that could happen is that I improve. You know, I understand why do I have this connection to alcohol? You know, like, why, you know, am I acting or believing these things about myself? When I know if I talk to anybody out there, they don’t believe those to be true. Why don’t I try to prove them not to be true? You know, like. And so it was wonderful learning all this new sort of way of unpacking and repacking this. And that’s also where I got all the clarity of what I was enduring, you know, when my parents divorced and then being obese and dealing with some of the peer pressures, as well as the bullying that I had to deal with at that time. And just, you know, really getting a better understanding, but to develop more compassion towards that child within me. You know, we hear about this all the time, you know, and I used to laugh at it. It’s so funny, right? Like, I just see where I am now, where I was before. And I look at that guy that I was, I was like, man, you really knew nothing. Not that I know much right now, but I know a lot more now through life experience. But I chose to walk that path as hard as it was, okay? Because it is hard. Making those changes are hard, you know? But man, were they worth it. So that’s sort of it, you know? And it set me on a trajectory. And this is the one thing I want to just sort of give as a word of caution. to everyone. And it’s sort of tongue in cheek, I say this, but when you go through some big changes like this, you have to be prepared for everything else to change as well. Because when you start to change yourself, your worldview, your world perspective, but also your perspective of self changes. And all of a sudden what you thought created a lot of fulfillment, joy, and happiness for you might change and which changes your direction. And that’s what I mean. I left a career of 17 years, a company I co-founded. I was like, I can’t be here anymore. You know, over a period of a few years after that big shift, I exited that out and, you know, went all in with my coaching and some of my online stuff. But more importantly, I quit a career. A month later, my wife quit hers. Two months after that, we basically pulled the kids out of school, gave away all our stuff, packed up the SUV, whatever we couldn’t fit went into storage, and we went traveling as a family. And so all these things happened as a result of me saying no to alcohol so I could say yes to the life that I’d always wanted, you know.

Speaker #1
That’s a lot of people’s dream, right? Just to pack it up and hit the road, you know.

Speaker #0
Anybody can do it.

Speaker #1
Yeah.

Speaker #0
Anybody can do it. Yeah.

Speaker #1
But that takes a lot of change, right? That takes some, that inner work and everything. I have a question, though, for you about self-sabotage, you know, because how do you prevent and how have you prevented just self-sabotage? You know, I mean, going backwards and, you know, blowing it all, you know, I’m,

Speaker #0
you know,

Speaker #1
I’m wondering if like, you know, underneath you’re like, am I going to be able to maintain this? Like, am I going to be able to like, really, is this going to be the rest of my life where I don’t drink or? am I going to be able to maintain my weight and my, you know, and, and my fitness? Do you ever have those fears of going backwards?

Speaker #0
Yeah. Well, it’s funny because I’ve, I still deal with a bit of anxiety from time to time. But I manage it really well. And same like depression. I have moments where I feel depressed as well. And I mean, I don’t know if any of us got out of the pandemic without those emotions occasionally. But it’s always been a part of who I am. Learning to manage is what’s important. And why I’m bringing this up is it’s that the interesting thing about beliefs are we’re very good at defending our beliefs, whether they’re negative or positive. I mean, we have a belief that’s not a positive one about ourselves. Like, I am this. We will often go out and try to prove that. And, you know, there’s some people that refer to this also as confirmation bias. You know, like it could be a belief that’s completely erroneous, but we believe it to be true. And that’s enough. And it’s enough so much so that we will do whatever we can to prove it to be true. I believe that what can really be helpful, and it was helpful for myself especially, was identifying what are some of those things. You know, what are those beliefs that are sort of the default beliefs? Because, you know, the neat thing about our brains is they are what they call, it’s got sort of, it’s like plastic, right? They call it neuroplasticity. There’s the ability for the brain to be rewired quite literally. But the only way you override certain habits is you have to create a new habit. And that has to be the primary normal habit that you do enough that it overrides the old one eventually. People are like, well, how long does that take? I’m like, I don’t know. As long as it takes. You know, like, if you look that up online, I mean, it’s nothing more frustrating than typing that in. How long does it take to form a new habit? Like, just type that question in. You’re going to get 101 different answers. And every one of them will say, this has been scientifically proven. I’m like, okay, well. we got a problem here because you’re all saying it’s scientifically proven that it’s you know three weeks you know 21 days oh well five right yeah many days like 21 days right to make a new habit yes yeah and so i can appreciate maybe that was in that moment that one study for that group of people sure it works but typically it takes a while and it’s going to take as long as it takes probably for you to form the initial one to form the new one you know and I started with a one-year commitment and I invite people to start with a smaller commitment because you have to be able to prove to yourself that you can follow through with your commitment, that you can achieve results. Because if you have that underlying belief, a limiting belief that I do things, I never finish them, or I do things and I fail, I got to look at the fitness industry. And this is very, very common. People, especially when it comes to diet culture, I’ve done 101 diets. And they’ve had 101 great results where they’ve lost the weight, but then they gained it back.

Speaker #1
Right.

Speaker #0
Sometimes more than what they had before. So now they have a belief that anytime I do a diet, it’s a failure anyways. I’m never going to keep it off.

Speaker #1
This is why I’m asking, I think, just about the self-sabotage. Because I think that, again, for my clients, my women, that they get stuck in this. It is a self-sabotage. I already know I’m going to fail. I’ll do this, and then I’m going to fail. It’s a… hard, sometimes it’s a hard cycle to get out of. I love that. I just love this, this part of this conversation, because I think the one thing that also just stood, you mentioned two things, your why and just the phrase, this will pass. This too shall pass, right? And that we have to sometimes get uncomfortable with discomfort, you know, and be okay. And I know with alcohol, especially, And with food, but… I know in my experience, I mean, that is something I had to get very comfortable with when I stopped drinking was, was I want the drink right now. And rather than just go for that instant gratification, I just had to let the feeling pass, you know, like it’s, and it does, and it does pass, but you have to let it, you have to let it pass. And, and also the, I think having your, the why behind some of these big changes that you want to make. is so important. It’s everything. I mean, it’s, you have to have something to hold on to. You had, you stopped drinking and you had your kids and your wife, right? I mean, to, to, you know, think about and. So the why is incredibly important. But I want to just talk to you also quickly about your five Fs and your fitness, family, faith, finances and fun. So are these the five things that that most people should value or are these your values or are these the things that that make up a. well-balanced life. Talk to me more about that.

Speaker #0
Sure. Well, I guess the writer in me likes the alliteration, right? I like the five S’s. Easy to remember for me, but we all have different… Yeah, yeah, it is. But it’s also, it fit very much my values, you know, and I give these sort of as a framework, but of course I invite people, if these S’s aren’t your S, replace it with the value that is. And I sort of use this analogy or a metaphor of a home. So imagine our lives that we’re living as a home that we’re an architect of. And so we’re building these homes, our lives, right? We’re designing them. We’re building them. We’re reinforcing them. We build these homes. We put stuff in it through experiences. But here’s the thing. We have a foundation, first and foremost. Any home or any building has got to be built on a solid foundation. For me, I believe the foundation’s health. Health first. not giving mental health emotional spiritual health i mean you can qualify it any way you want but health but now we got the five s that live on top of that we’ve got four walls and a roof okay so fitness faith family finances with an overarching roof of fun okay because if you’re not smiling at least once a day man there’s a lot of room for improvement you know so um but this is sort of that that idea because here’s the thing if i know that one wall’s got some termites And it ain’t doing so well. I’m going to have to focus on that wall a bit more than the other walls. You know, like if you’re struggling with maybe putting some weight on, well, you know, that fitness wall, maybe it’s got some issues. Maybe there is a storm coming in that’s going to rock this home, right? And those will pass. But are we good to weather the storm when those happen? And I always equate this, you know, why I talk about health so often, and I’m talking about the physical, the emotional, psychological, but that health component is, if you think about it like a rheostat dial or like a speedometer, right? Like we have, you get the engine revving, right? It goes up to all these different speeds. So we got like zero to 60 miles an hour, right? Well, if we say being healthy or optimal gets us around that 50 miles an hour, you know, well, great. We’re optimal. We’re cruising along really well here. But all of a sudden, boom. ailments come in oh we’re gonna start to slow down a bit oh but i’m still going 40 okay i can still cover a lot of distance here and i can work on things to get it back to 50 but you know if you’re starting and you’re at like 10 miles an hour and all of a sudden you get sick and that’s your your top speed is 10 miles an hour you’re getting down to zero you know like it your room right that runway to stave off illness chronic ailments big changes that happen to you right? But that you feel like have been thrust upon you, you can manage those much, much more effectively. And so this idea of the home is really that idea of people to be the architects, design the life that you want, but prioritize those values that are most important to you and honor them. And so that’s sort of how those five F’s work. It’s really just a framework or probably more appropriately a filter, you know, through which we can pass our decision-making processes, but also what actions to prioritize. And, and stop worrying about time management because people are probably thinking, well, how do I get all the time to do all this stuff? It’s like, no, don’t worry about time management, but worry about commitment management. You know, manage how you’re committing to use those blocks of time every week. You know, make sure that everything’s getting a little bit of time. And if it does, good things will start to happen. You know, they really will. But, but sometimes we have to create or take the time to do it.

Speaker #1
I like that. I like, I like thinking of it. And time management is sort of like a. such a catchphrase you know but i love commitment management i mean right how how are we going to commit to these really important things in our lives ty it was so nice to speak with you and i really appreciate you being so incredibly vulnerable and and telling your story because i know that people um will really appreciate it and thanks how appreciate the opportunity Yeah. How can people find you and work with you? And are you doing one-on-one coaching, group coaching?

Speaker #0
Do a whole mix of all that stuff and have an online community launching in about a month’s time. So Q4 of 2023, depending on when this drops. So it might be up by then. New website launching as well. And that’s really just my way of sharing a lot of free resources, just giving people the information. So once you improve on your knowledge, it’s amazing how we can convert that into wisdom fairly quickly. If you want to connect with me on social, I’m on all of them. Like all of them. The ones that I’m really active in, active consistently on our Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. Really appreciate the opportunity to be here. And thank you for creating a platform to capture these conversations. You know, really, it’s, it’s, the world needs more of this. And thank you for leading and showing us what’s possible, you know, and, and, yeah, just feel a lot of gratitude for you. And thank you for today.

Speaker #1
Thank you.

Speaker #0
I appreciate that.

Speaker #1
And as always, if you loved this podcast, please consider gifting me with a five-star review. It is so helpful for me to get the word out on real eating, our real bodies, and real food stories. Thank you so much and have a great week. Bye for now.