Empowering Women Over 40: Setting Healthy Boundaries for Emotional Well-Being and Nourishment

Are you tired of feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs? Join us for an enlightening episode of Real Food Stories where we dive deep into the transformative power of healthy boundaries, especially for women over 40. Host Heather Carey engages with life coach Susie Pettit, who shares her invaluable insights on how societal expectations often push women to neglect their own well-being in favor of others. Together, they explore the emotional turmoil that comes with people-pleasing and the vital importance of self-care in nurturing a healthy lifestyle.

Setting healthy boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary act of self-respect and empowerment. Heather and Susie discuss their personal food journeys and the challenges they faced in learning to say “no” without guilt. This episode is a heartfelt conversation that resonates with anyone who has struggled with the pressures of family food traditions, emotional eating, and the societal norms that dictate how women should behave. They emphasize that boundaries are not just about saying “no” but about creating guidelines that foster emotional resilience and mental well-being.

As they navigate the fear of abandonment that often accompanies boundary-setting, Susie provides practical advice on how to establish and maintain these essential lines in various relationships. With her expertise as a life coach, she equips listeners with actionable tips that can lead to healthier interactions and a more fulfilling life. The discussion also touches on the Love Your Life School, a supportive platform designed to empower women on their journey toward self-actualization and healthier relationships.

This episode is more than just a conversation about healthy boundaries; it’s a call to action for women to reclaim their time, energy, and joy. Whether you’re navigating midlife changes, exploring menopause health, or simply looking to improve your nutrition and wellness, this episode offers a wealth of insights. Join us as we unpack the myths surrounding weight loss, healthy eating, and the importance of nourishing your body through mindful eating practices. Empower yourself with the knowledge that setting healthy boundaries is a crucial step toward achieving a balanced and joyful life.

So, if you’re ready to ditch the guilt and embrace the power of self-care, tune in to this episode of Real Food Stories. Let’s embark on this journey together, because you deserve to be nourished, both physically and emotionally.

Let’s Be Friends
Hang out with Heather on IG @greenpalettekitchen or on FB HERE.

Let’s Talk!
Whether you are looking for 1-1 nutrition coaching or kitchen coaching let’s have a chat. Click HERE to reach out to Heather.

Did You Love This Episode?
“I love Heather and the Real Food Stories Podcast!” If this is you, please do not hesitate to leave a five-star review on Apple or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Transcript:

Speaker #0
Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back. And if you are just tuning in with me for the very first time, it’s so nice to meet you. And I’m really glad you’re here with me today. I am your host, Heather Carey, nutritionist, chef, mom, and a woman who has been around the block with food. I want to open up about real food in relation to health, weight, and our bodies so you can make peace with what you eat. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to the Real Food Stories podcast. I’m here today with Susie Pettit, who is a life coach and host of her own podcast, The Love Your Life Show. She is passionate about providing mindfulness-based cognitive tools to help women live lives they love. Susie is looked to as an expert on boundaries, expectations, and manuals in relationships of all kinds. She is also a master at habit formation and can expertly speak on the specific habits needed to raise our overall happiness set point so we can live lives that feel as good on the inside as they look on the outside. Besides one-on-one coaching, Susie also runs the Love Your Life School for women over 40 who are committed to self-actualization and growth and want to connect more to having healthy boundaries stories. mindful communication, and intentional living, knowing that we don’t stop learning and growing as adults. So hi, Susie. I’m so happy you’re here today. Learning and dealing with boundaries is something very near and dear to my heart because for the last couple of years and just being a woman in midlife, learning how to cultivate healthy boundaries and relationships with my family and my marriage has certainly been. a huge part of my journey. And I have learned a lot about perfectionism and people pleasing and realizing that not only were these habits no longer serving me, but they were making me really unhappy. I mean, I was like just in a state of kind of conflict and angst a lot. So I’m still learning, of course, but I am definitely, I’ve definitely have come a long way. So I know that I’m not alone. with this. You know, so many women can identify with this people-pleasing mentality and making sure that everyone is taken care of first before them. And it just is something that can really cause a lot of angst. So I’m curious to hear your story, how you got into the world of life coaching and dealing with boundaries and, you know, what you’re doing with it now.

Speaker #1
Yeah, I’m so glad that I’m so thank you. I’m so glad to be on the show. And I am I completely agree with everything you just said that boundaries are such important work. And we are taught about them in a way that is either almost scary, like we’re doing it to someone else, like it’s something. And so then many people might feel like they’re being mean and, you know, doing it wrong. Or I hear a lot of people saying they feel guilty. Guilt is a big thing. And And the way that I talk about setting boundaries and setting up boundaries is actually in a very healthy way. And also, you know, a lot of us get to midlife. I work with women over 40, mostly moms who, you know, our whole messaging is exactly as you said, put everyone else’s needs above ours. You know, you’re like a selfish woman if you if you say that, you know, any any sort of boundary is specifically for your. podcast too, with like healthy habits and, you know, doing things that are sort of for our overall wellness and learning differently and having, you know, podcasts like yours and mine, where we’re like, actually, you know, this, this is totally part of you being human and you showing up here on the world is really, really helpful to break some of that conditioning. So to answer your question as it quickly as I can about my background. I grew up in a house basically that had no boundaries. It was very, what you call codependent. I was taught that what I did impacted other people’s feelings, which is basically like emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is that our emotions come from our thoughts. And really many of us, since emotional intelligence wasn’t really brought into the the spotlight until the late 90s and early 2000s, many of us were raised this way that, you know, you said this and made dad mad, or you said this and made mom sad, or, and so we really got in this, this habit of thinking that we were responsible for other people’s feelings. And actions even. And that, that lack of emotional intelligence is something that I went into, you know, I was raised in a house with no boundaries, very much taught that I was responsible for my parents’ behavior. I went into my first marriage that way. And it really wasn’t until my mid thirties and a health scare of my friend, it was more than a scare. She was diagnosed with cancer, colon cancer, and ended up passing away. And it was a real big realization of like, wait a minute, what am I doing here? And in terms of a people pleasing, I really was living a life that I thought I should be, you know, that other people were telling me was right and doing what, you know, I was like a little robot in my life. Let’s do this, which is very common and yet unhelpful and having my own health consequences and realizing in my mid-30s and early 40s that… you know what, something needed to change. And I needed to, to bring Susie into Susie’s life, you know, and that that’s really how I get to where I am now, helping people with, you know, everything you just said in the bio. So I’ll pause there and see if you have questions.

Speaker #0
Yeah, well, I’m sitting here, you might be able to see me, I’m like, kind of taking some notes. I think just first, what you said, you know, people, and I think women especially think when You say like, I need a boundary or like I’m setting boundaries with my family or that you are looked at as wrong. It’s mean, it’s bitchy. You know, it’s like, it’s you’re selfish. How could you have boundaries? Right. Like, and, and boundaries are the opposite. I mean, for me, I mean, cause I used to feel the same way. I mean, it was like, I don’t want to. you know, of course here, use my resources of my, my emotional and mental resources. I’ll listen to you all day long. I, that was my, that was my, where I had no boundaries. It was like, I would just, you know, anyone who had like a bad day, an emotional thing going on, come to me, I’ll listen to you. I’ll take care of you and I will, and I will, you know, with, with no, no limits on it. So. it

Speaker #1
I’ve I’ve had to learn yeah that I mean boundaries really are like a form of self-care the boundaries are an integral part of our of our self-care and our wellness and actually in terms of you know your podcast being around health there are many studies one recently in October I can share the article with you where it shows that women’s health is is in directly impacted by us, what they call self silencing, which is a people pleasing behavior by us sort of, you know, don’t rock the boat. Let’s keep calm, like carry on. Don’t speak up. I mean, one of the, this is good girl programming, which we are given, you know, from an early age. And one of the worst criticisms we can get is, oh, you’re selfish. And, and one of the best compliments, I mean, I no longer view it this way, but if you listen to some of the compliments that women are given, it’s like, oh, she’s so selfless and she puts everyone’s needs above her own. We need to stop that. That is killing women. I mean, this whole study was showing how 80% of women are suffering from things like fibromyalgia and immunity, like all sorts of stuff more than men. And they’re like, wait a minute, what’s happening here? And a lot of that is our programming to be these selfless, little robotic women who do what other people want us to do. And that’s not serving anyone. And so I think there, I mean, I see women this next generation is waking up differently. I see our generation, this midlife sort of this, I call it a midlife awakening of, wait a minute, maybe that isn’t working. And maybe people have gotten health diagnoses and they’re like, wait a minute, hold on. Like, what about me is something I hear often from women, or I will hear women say, like, I don’t feel like anyone understands the real me. And that is because often like myself, we aren’t showing the real us. We’re like, oh, okay, sure, I’ll do that for you. And I’ll do that. Whereas inside, we’re like, oh, you know. But so a boundary is, it has nothing to do with other people. It is a guideline for how you will be treated. And so in a relationship, you know, how I, like, I have a guideline that I won’t be yelled at. I have a guideline that I won’t name, you know, I don’t allow people to call me names. I’m not telling other people what to do. They can yell, but if they’re in relationship with me, that doesn’t fly. And so that’s where I get out of this boundaries and the bitchiness association. I did a podcast episode once called Boundaries Without the Bitchiness. We think we’re like, oh, my God, I’m going to be a, you know, a biatch if I’m like setting a boundary. But the reverse is actually usually true in that we we stuff it down, stuff it down, stuff it down, and then we’ll explode and then we’ll act out. And, you know, like, oh, OK, it’s all right for you to, you know, yes, I’ll I’ll do that. I’ll do this. I’ll do that. And I’ll just stamp over my own boundaries until we get to this point. And we’re like, doesn’t anyone understand everything I do around here? And like and then we’re a bitch and it’s like. The solution is not to just keep doing that over and over and blame yourself in that moment for how then you show up. It’s very normal for you to, you know, if we stuff it down, it’s going to come out at some point. The solution is to catch it sooner and to say, you know, actually, I don’t feel like driving to that thing right now. And no, it’s catching it before and being more ourselves, which takes courage and some bravery and some confidence. And it is doable. I mean, as I’m hearing from you, you’re doing it. I have done it. I have moved from a very insecure place into a more like, no, it’s okay to be mean. And that’s not everyone’s going to love me, but those that do, great. So a boundary is a guideline for how you will be treated. And in healthy relationships, boundaries exist. They are not something we do to someone else. They are a part of all healthy relationships. So they’re a part of. healthy relationships with other people. We also, I think it’s important to note on a podcast like this, we have boundaries with ourselves and we have a relationship with ourself. So we might have some internal boundaries. Like it is, you know, one of my internal boundaries is that I, I move my body every day because that is a way that I treat my, you know, the wonderful body I’ve been given. Another boundary I have with myself is that I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink alcohol anymore. And that is it. That is because, you know, my I’m like, no, that’s not in your best interest, Susie. So that’s not how we’re going to treat you the same way. I would say to someone yelling at me, I’m like, hey, no, I don’t allow people to yell at me. Like so we have these guidelines for how we will be treated that are really important to keep the focus on ourselves, because when we are keeping it and when we’re looking at someone else and we’re making their behavior wrong, that’s when we get into a lot of the the bitterness, the resentment we get into a lot of us, excuse me, women are very empathetic people. And so I find that we’ll think like, they shouldn’t be doing that. Or, you know, why would they talk to me in that way? Because we wouldn’t be doing that. And yet, not everybody thinks like us, but everyone behaves like us. And so that’s not helpful to get into this, this whole thing in our head like why are they doing that and they shouldn’t be doing that they are let’s focus on you and where you know your control is is to say yeah that’s not okay for me it’s not okay for you to call me you know after 9 p.m i like spending that you know or it’s not okay to call and complain and and berate me or i don’t know what the boundaries are but any of it it is keeping the focus on ourselves from an empowered way when we’re looking at what other people are doing and and being like, they shouldn’t be doing that. We’re putting our- a power outside of us and that is disempower. So I like empowering women and standing in that place. You also feel a lot less resentment in relationships when you’re like letting them be there. That’s unconditional love. Like, okay, that person is going to do that. But unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance. Like unconditional tolerance means you’re a doormat and that’s usually we start reacting out and being more bitchy.

Speaker #0
Well, would you agree that some of this not having boundaries comes from a state of fear? Because as I’m just hearing you say that, my lack of boundaries came from, I don’t want to piss you off. I don’t want to make you mad because my fear is that then you’re not going to be my friend. you’re not going to be. my mother you’re not going to you know you’re gonna you’re gonna abandon me and leave me in whatever you know my psychological issues that go back from childhood probably you know that that like it’s gonna just the consequences are almost not worth it so I’ll just say yes to you now I had to really learn that no is a complete sentence and it felt scary you know at first I think to start having some boundaries. But it also felt really empowering too.

Speaker #1
And that’s what I, I’m so glad you brought that up because I don’t want to skip over. It feels incredibly scary. And to your point, yes, it is fear. And what happens is when we are. you know, 20 and under, and we are in these relationships with parents or other caregivers, you know, they’re doing the best they can. But when we are in those places, we actually have to act a certain way for that approval. So there is fear. And there is this sort of like, okay, mom, did I do the right thing? And mom says, yes. So then we feel calm. But if mom says no, it’s almost like we’re, we’re encouraged to be sort of people pleasers, because we’re looking like for that love and acceptance that is very real for our very young human brains. And so then we go into adulthood and we’re still, it’s a very protective place. It’s like, wait a minute. If I, where it actually comes from is our brains have not evolved from when we were cave women. And when we were, when we were cave women, the human needs after our basic needs are met, we, we look for authenticity. So like to be ourselves and belonging. And when those two needs come head to head, belonging is always going to win. We are always, when we are unconscious, belonging is always going to win because we needed to be in the cave, in the clan. Like if we, if we’re like, oh, I’m the cave woman who’s wearing the cool skirt and everyone else is like, that’s dumb. You’re out of the clan. We would perish. So our brains literally, whatever our age is, I’m 52 now. My brain sometimes can register me speaking up for myself and being myself as like, oh my God, Susie, you’re going to die. Like, I mean, it’s a very primal. nervous system response. And that is very normal. It is helpful to be, you know, in communities is why I have the love your life school because we support we’re like, yes, it’s normal. Let’s maybe do some, we do some nervous system healing and tapping and things like that to help through it. And yes, it is scary. We just need to remind ourselves now that when we were 12, we could abandoned like we needed our parents we did not have the funds to you know many of us to go out and, you know, there were people that are abandoned at 12, but like that sort of fear of abandonment is very real. And what we are needing to do as we mature and age is to remind ourselves, like, that’s not the case anymore, brain. Like I am safe here. I can’t be abandoned. Like I can know, even if my husband leaves me, like who abandons me, me, that’s how we, and so then we end up like abandoning ourselves instead. So that’s, that’s all very interesting. I, also want to speak to the part of of this fear of what other people will think and what other people will do like that’s very real also that comes from that need to be accepted and that you know that like let’s be part of the game what are our friends going to think and what is our family going to think and what is and that is something that we’re developing as we live a confidence in ourselves a self-assuredness that’s I mean I am always saying the most relationship been important relationship we have as the one we have with ourselves in our head. That is a lot of the work I do with women because till the day we die, that’s the relationship we’re going to have. Other people are going to come and go, but how are we speaking to ourselves? How are we caring for ourselves? How are we loving ourselves in our head? I was not until probably age 40 and I started to shift and which is why I put up with a lot of, you know, I, it’s why I people pleased a lot. And it’s also why I put, I was in some, a narcissistic relationship and that’s, you know, at the far end of these behaviors, they, they have shown that narcissists draw people, they call it self-love deficit disorder. And I can see that because I didn’t have the self-love. I didn’t have the self-confidence. And I was that, like, I was looking for people outside of me to tell me inside how I was. And I find that a lot of midlife and growing up is instead of looking externally to see how we feel internally, it’s to work on the internal first, and then we shine it out externally. So it’s sort of a flip from outside in to inside out.

Speaker #0
Yeah. Well, so again, I’m sitting here taking some notes because what I heard you just say, you know, is in such a good point is that there can be that intense fear of abandonment from others. But who you can never abandon is yourself, right? You are always with yourself. And that is your greatest asset. As long as you’re keeping your side of the street clean, right? You know, you’re taking care of you. And then you’re setting up some boundaries because these like behaviors don’t feel good to me. Then you can’t fail yourself. I mean, and then I think it goes, you know, I think then you also mentioned. just having boundaries when it comes to your health, your exercise, the food that you eat. That’s such a great next step, too. I mean, that once your self-worth, I think, right, is then higher and elevated, it feels really good to not abandon those things that are so important to living. Getting up every single day and going and exercising. Doesn’t have to be, you know, running a marathon. Just eating your best, doing your best. I think is, is really great points that you had mentioned, you know, just taking care of yourself is like the next thing after not abandoning yourself.

Speaker #1
It really like it all is sort of like a waterfall. It is the, I call it like having your own back and often like, you know, we might want someone else to have our own back, but it’s like, it’s ultimately like, if we feel confident in our behavior, it’s not going to matter so much. what other people think. And it all sort of flows from there, which is really, really helpful. And I always like to point out too, this isn’t like when we’re talking about boundaries without the bitchiness, what it looks like in my head is like, say I say something to someone and then I’m feeling the feeling of like, did I do something wrong? It’s not that I’m always right. And it’s like, oh yeah, girl, like you did it. I check in with myself. in a kind way. And I’m like, Hey, did you deliver that kindly? Were you kind, you know, were you sort of bitchy there? And if I am, I’m like, yeah, you know what? You could have said that a little differently. Like, so it’s not always about this, like black or white, like you’re right, Susie, you at the right. But it is this like kindness with myself where it’s like, yeah, you know what? That was a little off. You could, you could repair a little there or no, that’s good. And the more confident we feel with our decision, say something. When I was setting boundaries one of my boundaries my father was a yeller when he when I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to do. And so one of my boundaries was, Dad, if you keep yelling at me, I’m going to hang up the phone. And I would say that. And I would say, Dad, if you keep yelling at me, and then I would hang up the phone. And afterwards, I felt like I was going to throw up in my mouth. And my whole system, I think I was sweating, you know, and I had to check in with myself, because my body was telling me, you know, first of all, you’re, you did something wrong, you’re going to be kicked out of the gate, you know, all of that. I had to be like Susie, you said it in a calm voice. You shared with him. You don’t allow people to yell at you. If he keeps yelling, you let him be him. And just sort of now, if I had on the phone been like, damn it, dad, I’m hot. I could have been in that moment. I’ve been like, yeah, you were a little harsh. But it comes from this support and love of self. Then that confidence in ourselves and like, yeah, I am standing, does trickle down in these other behaviors. because I’m like, you know, exercising every day, I would imagine people listening to this podcast, they don’t get much pushback on that. That’s something that sort of society is like, it’s fine, you know, so maybe you’re going out for a walk, people aren’t like that’s so selfish, you know, they might be, but something else, like, you know, say that it’s not helpful for your body to eat after dinner, and they’re passing around the dessert. And you say, no, I’m going to pass. And someone is like, Wait, why? Like that’s, you know, I made these brownies just for you and they’re pushing back and you get to stay with your internal boundary of like, no, it’s best for me that I don’t eat after dinner and I don’t need to people please or people eat please, you know, whatever, just to appease this person. Or I see it a lot with drinking. It’s like, what’s right for us? It might be right for someone else to have a glass of wine every night. For me, it’s not. it disrupts my sleep, it disrupts my mood. And so I know for myself, when I go out of a friend’s like, no, just have a glass. And I’m like, no, I’m good. And she can push back and she can say whatever. And I don’t need to take it personally. In the same way, my dad yelling, I don’t need to take personally. I mean, like, that’s just how he reacts when things aren’t going his way. Okay, I’m just not going to participate in it. So I might say to my friend, you know, hey, can we not talk about drinking anymore? Like I’m, you know, something like that, where I’m just I am sober so I I am not drinking or else I’ll just continue to say back to her like, yeah, no, I’m good. Thank you. And I’m not, I’m not shooting on her in my head. Like she shouldn’t ask me. It was wrong of her to ask me three times. It’s like, nope, she’s doing, I get to continue to return to my boundary to say what’s right for me. And I guess just on that note, before I stop, I, again, with eating, with drink, any of our health habits, this is also where it’s like, keep the focus internal. Because there’s so much external, you know, I love your podcast. And you’re always like, well, maybe that works for someone else. But it’s like, instead of this, like, women were so trained. Is it okay? I’m not, you know, I’m not eating for 12 hours. And that’s, is that intermittent fasting enough? Like, is that, does that, and it’s like, stop it. Does it work for you? Is it working for you? Are you like a cranky little crazy person because you haven’t, well, who knows? Or like, how is it working for you to have sugar at two in the afternoon? And bringing it back to us and that inner focus, that inner confidence and having our own bath versus like, you know, Heather says it’s okay. And then it’s like, well, it might work for her. It doesn’t work for Susie. So that’s okay. Heather can do what Heather’s going to do and Susie’s going to do what Susie’s going to do.

Speaker #0
Exactly. That’s the exact reason why I never prescribe a certain diet or this is your meal plan that you have to eat. Because it is really dependent on what works for you. But the people pleasing thing comes up. I mean, it’s just like going back to alcohol and stopping drinking because I also stopped drinking when I turned 50. My first thought when I stopped, I knew, I mean, I, I knew out of all the self-care in the world, like I, I wanted to stop, but my first thought was that, what are my friends going to think? How am I going to explain that to them when they want to go out for a glass of wine and meet, you know, meet at the local place for, you know, a glass of wine? Am I going to disappoint them? Am I going to let them down? It’s so, I mean, that’s,

Speaker #1
So we pause right there because those so what I love doing, so I’m a I’m a cognitive coach. So I work with the brain when we ask our brain questions. I love answering that. So if a listener is having some of those same questions, like, what am I going to tell my friends? I like to answer that. I like to say, hey, you know, maybe I’d send a text ahead of time if that’s easier, right? Or I just sort of a person in the moment or in a mirror. Our brain doesn’t know the difference between the future and the present. So we can do it in the mirror. We lay a neural pathway. It’s easier in the present when we’re with our friends. Also, the question of am I going to disappoint my friends is exactly what we’re talking about. The answer there is maybe you might, but this is what we’re talking about. Is it more important to protect and not disappoint your friends or protect and not disappoint yourself? Like at the end of the day, it’s like, yes, your friends might be disappointed, but what about you? What about you when you come home and you went to the event and you said, I’m not going to drink because I know I feel better when I don’t drink. And then you get, you know, people please or you feel pressure to whatever is happening in our head. We get it. Totally normal. You do drink. You’re the one that’s disappointed. So that’s what I think listeners, I want them to hear that you and I are talking to this. We might disappoint other people. Other people might think that we’re making their life harder by not drinking or making their life harder by not eating the brownies or making their life harder by waking up early to exercise or, and it’s like, they can totally get that. Of course. And we can be empathetic, like, all right, fine. You know, maybe your husband doesn’t like you getting up at like, I wake up before my husband to exercise. Maybe he wants to. cuddle in the morning. I’m like, I totally get it. I’m awesome. Like, and that’s not what I’m doing. Here’s a big pillow. Like that we can stay. It doesn’t mean that we have to be these like cold little bitches that were like, you know, again, back to the boundaries without the bitchiness. It’s, it’s no, we can be empathetic and be like, I get it. And maybe our friend is like, I miss going out with you and drinking. It’s like, I totally get it. You know? Sorry.

Speaker #0
Yeah. Exactly. I think we can then keep our boundaries, hold our boundaries, say no thanks or no thank you, but then also maybe have some empathy. I always thought that me saying no to alcohol in front of my friends meant that they then had to look at what they’re doing with alcohol. I knew it was making some people uncomfortable.I’m still going to say now.

Speaker #1
And that again, it’s like, it’s going to make them uncomfortable. Like if you know, again, someone confident in their choices, that is like, I am drinking the right amount. I am comfortable that I socially drink or they are not going to be critical of you. It is, it is like, if it triggers you, it’s about you. Like you take 10 of your friends, you’re going to get 10 different reactions because of the thoughts they’re thinking. So someone might be like, wow. look at Heather, that’s really interesting. Go her. Someone might be like, oh my God, why, you know, I find the people who are more vocal with whatever behavior I’m doing are the ones that they’re having a little lack of confidence in themselves. And that can give me empathy. I don’t need to point it out to them because that’s not being a helpful friend. But for me, it’s really helpful for me not to take it personally. If someone’s like, God, Susie, like that’s just, you know, whatever I get to, I get to empathize and be like, I, understand or they’re like, I’m going to miss going out with you. It’s like, yeah, I get it. Let’s try to figure out how we can, like, I’m sober. It doesn’t mean I don’t still like going out and listening to music or going out and dancing or going out and, you know, I get it. Or people are who are, you know, or just like, I want to drink with you. I’m like, I, I understand. But if it triggers them, it’s about them. So that, that is that confidence. If someone is confident in their drinking, they are not going to be super critical of you.

Speaker #0
Right, exactly. And I think, and you mentioned food too. I mean, I think that just goes back to food when, when someone’s starting to make more healthier choices, because drinking like, you know, with your friends can also, we can also talk about eating with our friends. Wait, you’re not going to eat the dessert with me tonight. You’re not going to, you know, you’re not going to, you know, participate in the.

Speaker #1
family with our spouse. Like we’re suddenly like, yeah, you know what? I’m going to limit the amount of snacking I do like totally fine. And they might then be like, oh, but I want to eat dessert with you. Or I want to go out to the chocolate place with you. Right. And it is, I mean, there is a, it’s like, you’re changing the dance steps of the dance you guys have been doing. So some of that is just having empathy for the person. Like, yeah, I get it. Like this is a a little uncomfortable. And then Some of it, again, is having boundaries. If they are critical or they’re saying things like that’s dumb or you’re never going to do this or you’ll not. It’s like, you know what? I like I would really like if you can’t say something supportive, please don’t comment because this is something that’s important to me. That’s a good boundary. And it’s and at the same time, understanding it’s like, yeah, it’s reasonable. They would feel that way. And I’m not making it about us like that. That’s another. a podcast called what if it’s not about you like and again that’s like their reaction to your different eating styles or their reaction to your drinking or their reaction to your exercising or their reaction is that is the that is the crux of codependency to back to the beginning of what we were talking about thinking other people’s feelings are because of what we’re doing that is that is not the case that actually is not what happens in our brain we do something They’re going to have a thought about it and they’re going to have a feeling about it. We definitely influence them, but we are not ultimately responsible for other people’s feelings. I hate to, it’s always like, I’m always like, Susie, you’re not as important as you think. You don’t have that power. Sorry.

Speaker #0
So true. I know. But I think just, you know, going full circle, like just going back to where this even kind of comes up in the first place, you know, with growing up in. in that environment because I know that I definitely did I was a people pleaser and I just kept my mouth shut because it was just easier to when I look at a lot like yeah so I mean it so it takes a lot of work right I mean it takes like really kind of looking maybe at your past a little bit and then and then practicing these

Speaker #1
so I yeah new behaviors yeah I’m sorry to interrupt but I’m like the work part, it’s like. I know you deal with this in your work. It’s like I say, choose your heart. Like it is hard. It is. But it is a short term hard speaking up and doing something differently versus a long term hard with this, you know, Time magazine article showed of us getting diagnoses and us like when we’re self silencing and not being ourselves, you know, study after study shows one of the biggest regrets on the deathbed is that they didn’t live a life in alignment with their values. And that’s what we’re doing when we’re people pleasing. And so it might feel hard in the moment, but what I just want listeners to hear is that there is support for them. Like I have my love your life school. You have like, there is room for that support. And then I see every freaking day people taking the short term hard, like having those words come out of our mouth feels really hard. You know, our nervous system is going to react. And the long-term gain from that, it’s like a short-term hard for long-term ease or short-term ease. Like, oh, I’m not going to speak up. I’m not. And it’s long-term hard. It’s long-term feeling like people don’t get you. It’s long-term feeling like, what about me? And what about my goals? And long-term feeling resentment, long-term feeling burnt out. All of those feelings are coming from us not speaking up for ourselves. And it is, it is such empowering work and it takes courageous people. But I’m going to say the courageous people are listening to your podcast. because they’re making changes. And it really is brighter on the other side. I have had all my worst fears come true with some of my relationships and setting boundaries. And I would choose it all again to be where I am now and the healthy relationships I am and the ability to have my own back, to love myself, to be secure in this. And no, you know, people definitely are like, what is she doing? And I’m like, right.

Speaker #0
Great point. I mean, that’s such a great point. I mean, you, I don’t think you can ever regret being true to yourself. I mean, I just really don’t. And I think it might mean you are, maybe you’re, it might mean some of your relationships are not going to continue on the way that they have been because you’re now setting like the new rules and the new boundaries and they can’t, they can’t. be the same. But that’s, that’s, could be a good thing.

Speaker #1
It is a good thing because the relationships we have, if we’re being a people pleaser, we’re actually a people deceiver. So like my first husband thought he was marrying a version of me. Cause I, that’s what I was portraying. Cause I was going along and then it’s like, Oh, wait a minute. That’s not Susie. So what I find on the other side of this is relationships are so much more fulfilling and honest and wonderful for everyone involved. And usually what happens is those people will do sort of a shift, like the people that matter to us, like maybe our parents or maybe our siblings or maybe our like close friends. There will be like a learning phase, but then they’ll come around and it’s it’s closer. Those who aren’t it’s that like that’s fine, but it feels better to us again, too, that it is a you know, it is a deeper, more profound knowing and healthier. Also, it shows up in all of our… you know, health metrics. So I’m like, go for it.

Speaker #0
Let’s work in progress. So tell me about your love your life school, because I have a feeling that all that we’ve talked about is what’s in your, in your programs. Tell me a little bit about that.

Speaker #1
Yeah, that is my, I mean, I really, there’s, there are little things we can do to help us learn to love our lives. And that’s why I started my podcast years ago for free, the love your life show. And then about a year ago, I was like, I, my background is in education. I got my master’s in education. I I’m really into like teaching these little things. And I was like, where’s the school for all of us? Cause we’re still developing. Like we’re not done at 22 yet. How do we learn about this stuff? Like emotional intelligence or how does that boundaries or how to have conversations that might feel like conflict. And, and so I started the love your life school, which is, it’s an online monthly membership where they get live coaching, you know, so. like they can bring their like, Hey, I tried saying this to my husband and we’re like, okay, great. Try this. Like we actually, you know, we’ll act it out. There also are classes in there that they can take. It’s sort of like a, your gym for personal development, that there are lots of different options. You don’t have to do it all. You know, it’s like, it’s not like I have to do all the machines of classes and get, but like there are classes, there are, there’s live coaching. There is, you know, every month we have themes like… We are doing like back to the basics and sort of looking at our scheduling and looking at gossiping and looking at judgment and criticism. And so we’ll, there are monthly trainings on different topics, all of that. It is a great place to be. I, if listeners are sort of peaked and they’re like, what’s Susie like? I have a quiz called how codependent are you, which is, is linked to this people pleasing when we’re sort of taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. and it’s at my website, which is smbwell.com slash C. I’ll do slash Heather because of you. Okay, I’ll put it back in there just for listeners to make it easier where they can see. There are just 10 quick questions to see maybe how connected they are to other people’s feelings. And, you know, we all are to some extent if you were raised in this society, so it’s not too… um, Seamus, I think I got a 10 out of 10 the first time I took it, but it is, we need to know where we’re starting from to know where we’re going. So I would, you know, anyone’s listening to this. I’d love to hear from them on Instagram. I’m at smb.wellness or listen to my podcast. That’s what I, that’s how I got started. And this self-development is just consuming free resources. And that’s why I put that show out every week, because I’m just trying to help people. There’s a lot of actionable steps in there. So. Well,

Speaker #0
that sounds fantastic. And it sounds like there’s maybe a sense of community. So you’re not, you don’t feel alone on the island doing this.

Speaker #1
Doing the school. That’s what life coaches do is that we, like I help people live their life a little easier and you can do it on your own. It’s going to take a lot longer, you know, it’s like, and I can help you do it, you know, like move through that short term hard, much faster. And that’s what I love doing. And it’s so it’s a wonderful environment. I love it. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Well,

Speaker #0
that’s. great. Well, I will put all those links in our show notes so people can access that easily. And Susie, thank you so much. This has been a really good conversation. I feel like we could talk more all day about, you know, boundaries because I know I’m really definitely on my part of my journey right now. So this has been a great conversation. So thank you so much.

Speaker #1
And as always, if you loved this podcast,

Speaker #0
please consider gifting me with a five-star review. It is so helpful for me to get the word out on real eating, our real bodies, and real food stories. Thank you so much and have a great week. Bye for now.