Menopause Isn’t A Boss Battle You Beat In 12 Months with Angela Burk

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the changes that come with menopause and midlife? You’re not alone! Join host Heather Carey in this enlightening episode of Real Food Stories as she engages in a heartfelt conversation with Angela Burke, an award-winning marketing strategist and author of the empowering book, Real Girls Guide to Midlife. Together, they dive deep into the complexities of midlife, exploring the emotional upheaval, identity shifts, and body changes that many women face during this transformative period.

Angela opens up about her personal journey through motherhood, divorce, and the often-challenging experience of perimenopause. The discussion highlights the necessity of community and honest dialogue among women, moving away from the glamorized narratives often portrayed in the media. As they share their personal food journeys and insights, listeners are encouraged to embrace their own experiences and prioritize self-care amidst the chaos of midlife.

This episode serves as a powerful call to action for women to reclaim their identities and share their stories, fostering a supportive environment for those navigating similar challenges. With a focus on midlife body positivity and the importance of nourishment, Heather and Angela explore how life changes impact self-care and nutrition. They provide invaluable nutrition advice tailored for women experiencing menopause, emphasizing the significance of healthy eating and mindful practices during this time.

Listeners will gain insights into the seven pillars of abundance and how to make healthy lifestyle choices that empower their journey through midlife. From perimenopause nutrition to cooking for wellness, this episode is packed with healthy eating tips, cooking techniques, and the encouragement to ditch diet culture and embrace a joyful eating experience. With Angela’s relatable stories and Heather’s expertise as a culinary nutritionist, this episode is not just about food; it’s about healing, vulnerability, and creating a nourishing life.

Join us for this transformative conversation that celebrates women’s health, midlife wellness, and the power of sharing our real food stories. Whether you’re navigating the challenges of menopause or simply seeking to understand the complexities of midlife, this episode is sure to resonate and inspire. Tune in and discover how to empower your menopause journey with nourishing practices and a supportive community!

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Transcript:

Speaker #0
Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back. And if you are just tuning in with me for the very first time, it’s so nice to meet you. And I’m really glad you’re here with me today. I am your host, Heather Carey, nutritionist, chef, mom, and a woman who has been around the block with food. I want to open up about real food in relation to health, weight, and our bodies so you can make peace with what you eat. Hey everyone and welcome back to the Real Food Stories podcast. Today we’re taking a slightly wider lens on midlife because the food we eat is only one part of our story. The rest is everything we carry, everything we’ve been taught, everything we’re suddenly questioning in this season of our lives. And my guest today is Angela Burke, an award-winning marketing strategist, mother of three, bonus mom to four and the author of real girls guide to midlife a sharp funny and unfiltered look at the emotional physical and identity upheaval that so many women experience in midlife the book is a deeply honest look at what it really feels like when your body your relationships your career and your identity all decide to shift at the same time angela brings humor clarity and Zero Sugar Coating to the Emotional and Physical Chaos of Midlife. From menopause mayhem to raising teens when you thought you were done, to rebuilding life after divorce, to figuring out who you are when the old rules stop fitting. She’s fierce, she’s direct, and she gives language to what so many women are living quietly. And while this conversation is bigger than food, it absolutely connects back to nourishment. How we take care of ourselves when life is messy, transitional, and nothing like the glossy version of midlife we were promised. So hi, Angela. Thanks so much for coming on. And I just want to start by saying that I just always appreciate women who can tell their truth and speak their truth about really what is going on in midlife and share their stories freely because we see the glossy glitter on the internet, which personally drives me crazy. And And… I think the more that we can share our real stories, and it’s why I even started my podcast in the first place, we can feel less alone, right? Because we’re not all going through some glitzy, glamorous time in midlife right now. And so I appreciate you being on here today. And I can’t wait to talk more about your book. And why don’t we just jump in and tell me your story?

Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely. So first of all, thank you for having me. And I think you and I share the same view. You know, I think it’s great that more people are talking about menopause and midlife, but I am not those women. I am just a real girl trying to figure stuff out and it’s hard. And I think, you know, one of the things that kind of prompted me to write this book was I was really struggling with a lot of the transitions that you talked about at the start of this in my life, my career, my body, my identity, the roles that I knew to be true. we’re all changing. And at the time, nobody was talking about these things. And I felt really alone. And I wanted answers. And I wanted, you know, I wanted to feel less alone. I wanted answers. And I wanted also to just hear that other women share the same struggle, because I knew it was happening. And if you think about it, you know, I am 19 years younger than my mom, and my mom didn’t even talk about these things. So here we are, this generation of women who are really trying to figure this stuff out as we’re living it. And you either have these glitzy, glossy celebrities talking about their experience, which, you know, great. If I had a glam team every morning and, you know, a bevy of professionals at my fingertips, things might feel a lot different. But I couldn’t even go to my mom. And I also found that women weren’t talking about these things out of shame, guilt or fear or embarrassment. And really, you know, if you add to that the fact that. When I first had this book idea, actually, which was when I was 35, I was going through a similar set of transitions and we didn’t even have the internet back then. Like, yeah, the internet existed, but nobody was talking about anything of value and honestly. And so that’s really why I, you know, what prompted the idea 20 years ago, what literally happened with that idea is it got shoved in a red folder that I still have. underneath a pile of stuff, both figuratively and literally. And when I retired last December, I found the folder and I opened the folder and I’m like, man, the same things. that I was struggling with then, and a whole new set of things I’m still struggling with now. So why not? Like if I’m struggling, other women have to be too. So I’m going to write this book. And that’s just what I set out to do.

Speaker #0
So it was meant to be that you just put it away for a little bit, but here you are that after your thirties, I mean, talk about then 20 something more years of experience, right? And who knew what’s going to happen in midlife and menopause? I mean, that’s you, you probably had no idea back in your thirties.

Speaker #1
I really didn’t. And the reality though for me was like things were starting to shift that, right? I was 35. By the time I hit 37, my cycles were changing. So I didn’t even have the term perimenopause in my vernacular back then. So I just knew that my cycles were changing. I was trying to have a third baby. It wasn’t working like it did in the five years prior when I had my first two and something was off. And I was looking at every facet of my life, my career. I felt like I was at this like fork in the road with my career. I started noticing body changes. My mom talked to me about saggy knees. And I’m like, what are you actually talking about? Until I look down, I’m like, I know what she means. My appearance was changing. Everything about my life was changing. And like so many of us, I just sort of kept the roll going. I knew I couldn’t stop. I had to be small. I had to keep the peace. Everybody else’s happiness and contentment came before my own. And so yeah, while I had this idea and I was struggling, it was like I had to put it at the bottom of the list. And literally that folder was at the bottom of a stack. And so like, it spoke to me when I found it again, it was like, man, I really spent these last two decades, which were, you know, midlife, there’s no magic number, right? It’s not like you can look at it and go, oh, it’s, you know, your thirties and forties, but it’s a vibe, right? And it’s, it’s this period of time where you go through transitions. And here I was in this period. And literally the things I was struggling with were inside this folder. And the folder was at the bottom of the list. It was at the bottom of a pile. Like that about says it all.

Speaker #0
Yeah, that’s so telling, right? That I mean, that’s so you share that story with so many women that we are at the bottom of the barrel, right? Everyone else first, our kids first, our husbands, our partners first, and we’re at the bottom. And I think that midlife now that I’m in my 50s is feeling more of an opportunity to bump myself up. little 30s and 40s felt very I was very into motherhood you know then and and now that my kids are grown and out of the house that I do have more time for myself but it’s still a work in progress without a doubt oh

Speaker #1
yeah I mean if you think about it right like this midlife so you know the fact that the book is called the real girl’s guide to midlife there’s a couple things about that I really want to focus on um number one this concept of a real girl right? You hit on it with this whole celebrity. You’ve got all these doctors on Instagram and all the socials talking about all these great things, but like literally I am just struggling single mom. I was divorced in my mid forties, forget perimenopause at that point. I think I was in full-blown menopause, right? Like I, I turned in my period card after 12 months of no period. I thought I was done worse was over. And lo and behold, it wasn’t because I’m still dealing with symptoms, but like, you know, that was, it’s just, I needed, I needed to know that I wasn’t alone. And I just wanted the real story because I know what I was feeling and I don’t need to see the glitzy stuff. And I think the other thing that was happening to me, as I look back at that time, I couldn’t have seen it in it when I was in it, but what was happening to me at that time was like, my life didn’t feel like mine, you know? And I was, I was doing all the mom things. I was doing all the career things. I was doing all the things that I, the wife things that I thought I was supposed to do, But I started to feel like I was slipping. to the edges of my own life. And the things that I really loved about myself that made me me were disappearing. And I was like, how is this even possible? But it makes sense because that is where we’re at. And so, you know, for me, it was this, you know, kind of coming through that period, entering my fifties and realizing that I didn’t have to make those same choices anymore. The stories that I told myself that, that. The place that I put myself on the list had to change. And it wasn’t like this crisis. It was like, I just kind of woke up and I started to discover the woman that I really just edited for a lot of time. And I really like her. I really, really like her. And it also gave me the opportunity to acknowledge what she went through. You know, like take body changes as an example. I was really hard on myself and my body. And one of the earliest blogs that I wrote as I started this book journey and I launched a blog on Substack was a love letter to my boobs. Like, who does that? I had a love hate relationship with them and also to my, my legs and my lips. And, you know, I let these stories of like these stupid boys in middle school about my flat butt and my big lips, like they just lived in my head. And what I realized though, when I wrote this blog in my fifties was this body, like for all of its flaws and, and all of its, you know, um, things that I wish were different about it. She got me through a lot of really, really hard stuff, you know? And so it’s this. this awakening. It’s this acceptance and this acknowledgement of like, Hey, these things that I went through were not failures. And I am in this new place. Now I am reclaiming something about myself that I lost. And that feels great. It’s scary. And I’m not perfect at it, but man, it feels freeing.

Speaker #0
Do you feel like, because you mentioned perimenopause, right? And I know, and I get that too. And I remember hearing that word perimenopause back in like my early forties. And I was like, wait, what’s that? I thought it was just menopause. What’s perimenopause? It sounds to me like you mentioned perimenopause is like the impetus for like big change. What was that? Was that a big change for you? Or, or did it just happen that perimenopause happened at the same time where you started really reflecting on your life going into midlife?

Speaker #1
Yeah. I mean, honestly, it was, I think it was just all coincidental. Like, and, and again, if I look back to you 37 when I noticed my cycles changed. Then you fast forward to 40 when I had my third son. Then I exited kind of the breastfeeding period and got what I thought was kind of a new normal. Then everything else in my life was shifting. And I knew that big change was coming, right? I divorced at 45. Like all these things were happening right then. And I think the problem though that I had was like, I didn’t have names to put to the things that were biologically happening in my body. And I was so focused on all these other transitions. Right. Here I am with these three young boys divorcing. And it was a smooth divorce. Like, you know, it was very smooth, very friendly, very loving. I’m very fortunate, but here I am trying to establish a new life as a single mom, trying to stabilize this, this new world for my sons. And I was ragey. That’s the only thing I could think of. I was ragey. I was exhausted. I was working so many hours in a high pressure job. Plus I was dealing with all the hormonal things that I didn’t even know was happening. And I didn’t have a name for it even then. And like, how ridiculous is that to think as women in this biological system that is our body, how could we not know things about it? And here I was not knowing about it. And now I look back at that time and it was like, man, all the signs were there, but I just, I wasn’t educated.

Speaker #0
So how could you be educated? I mean, it was the world’s biggest secret. I mean, it’s the reason why I started this podcast is because I felt like a couple. years ago, I’m like, no one is talking about this. No perimenopause. All I knew was that I heard that perimenopause would last 10 years. It was like 10 years. Oh my God. I, that’s, that sounds like forever to me. And what does that mean? And no one was talking about it. My friends weren’t talking about it. My gynecologist was barely talking to me about it. My, my Thank you. primary care doctor told me she’d rather go to jail than go on hormones. I mean, it was just this mysterious, scary thing that no one wanted to mention. And I’m like, you know what, I’m going to start talking about it because somebody needs to. And then now we are, yeah, we, here we are in the celebrities or take, you know, hijacking the whole thing,

Speaker #1
but absolutely. But I think you’re right. Like, um, The only thing I knew at that time was something called the change, right? Like I remember my grandma, my mom talking about the change and their experiences, though, what they shared with me was very little and it was very different. And that’s the other reality here, right? Like no woman’s blueprint is exactly the same. No path is exactly the same. And for me, I honestly, I had no words to put to this stuff that I was feeling. I had no label to put to the emotional turmoil that I was experiencing. And I had no blueprint. So every day it was like this new box of surprises. And then I would like look around and I’m looking at my friends who all seem to just have their shit together. And I was like, okay, then it must just be me. So that feeling of, I must be the crazy one. I must be the one who’s doing this alone. I must be the only one that’s suffering was actually, these are the things that prompted me to write the book, to be totally honest with you, because I realized I could not be the only one. And what happened when I started writing the book and then the sub stack. was women started sharing their story with me. And man, we are not the only ones. And you’re not crazy. And it’s not all in your head. But I just, I had no language. And I just. you know, again, this, you know, ethereal, the change was all I kind of knew. And I really, even when I, if I’m honest with you, even when I hit 47 and I get through that magic 12 months without a period, like what, what even is that? I don’t know, but okay, cool. I did it. I really thought I’m done. The worst is over. My kids saw the worst, you know, cause I divorce the height of my, I guess, now menopause transition. I thought it was over. I feel more established in my life as a single woman. I met a new man. Job was okay. I kind of made decisions about my career. And I thought, okay, cool. Like, this is it. I thought I turned in my card. And turns out I didn’t. Because I’ve had now two new waves of symptoms. And yet, here I am still puzzled. And here I am still sitting with the same gynecologist that I knew 25 years ago, who’s giving me the most asinine responses to my… my questions and my queries. And I’m like, we’ve got to do better here. Um, and, and so it, it is very isolating. It’s like this black box and it shouldn’t be. And I’m so grateful that you are talking about it, that I’m talking about it, that women are now sharing. Cause it, it feels like we are navigating, um, you know, a journey where we have no map, we have no transportation, we have no food, we have no water, and we don’t even know where we’re going.

Speaker #0
Right. We’re just out on our own island. And I remember hearing that too, that I remember years ago hearing that once you get through the 12 months of no period, then you’re fine, right? You just have to get through that. And then, and then you’re on the other side of it.

Speaker #1
Right.

Speaker #0
And then like symptoms get better. I’m like, that’s a myth. That is a myth. That’s a myth. That out there right now. That’s a myth that when you, once you are menopausal, you are menopausal for life.

Speaker #1
Yeah.

Speaker #0
We’re not just menopausal for 12 months or perimenopausal. And then you’re in menopause and then you, then you get clear of your symptoms.

Speaker #1
No, it’s so true. And I think the other thing that plays into this, and I saw this come out with a lot of the women that I interviewed for the book and a lot of the experts too, is like, if you think about the mindset of a lot of women during this period, it’s all based on what we’re modeled, right? Like for me personally, and for many of the women that I talk to. We’re modeled to keep the peace, play small, shrink, you know, be quiet. And during this time of turmoil for me, that was just the method of operating that I fell into. Right. It was how I carried myself in a lot of ways in my life. So why wouldn’t it be the way I carried myself through this hormonal hurricane that I was suffering through? So I didn’t even think to push back on doctors. I didn’t even think to ask questions about hormones or anything else because it wasn’t something I talked about with my mom. It wasn’t something my friends were talking about at all. And it wasn’t something that my doctor was talking about. And at that time, 20 years ago, you couldn’t even read about it. So I was literally just like, well, you know, if my doctor just says like, this is what happens. And if I’m just going to raw dog this, like everybody else who apparently is doing the same thing as me, then of course I’m going to do that. I’m not going to make waves here. And, you know, I tried to anchor on the things that I knew were going to keep me sane, right? For me, nutrition and fitness were things that were always important to me. Sometimes I probably had a little unhealthy relationship with them because sometimes I felt like I was actually, you know, I’m a runner. So I think I tried to outrun the struggles in my life by just running more. And I literally think I just like was trying to run faster than them. But they were the things that I anchored on because they kept me sane. And I could control because everything else in my life, I felt like I couldn’t control. And again, I was looking around and I was like, everybody else seems so together. Why is it just me?

Speaker #0
Well, because I think no one’s talking about it. So then you make an assumption that everyone has their shit together and you don’t. Yeah, because they’re just not talking about it. But let’s focus on the food for a second, because I think that’s a good point. I remember, you know, when I first was going into perimenopause, everything that. hormones were not really an option. Hormones were dangerous. And so there was a whole plethora of herbs you could take and you could eat soy products and you could cure your menopause through food and herbs, which I, and I had to, as a nutritionist, I had to really look at the science behind that and realize that that’s really not the case. There’s a lot of herbs and supplements that just absolutely make no sense. They’re not proven. They’re not anything. And I like science. And if you want to take them, fine. If you want to eat soy, great. But this is not going to cure your hot flashes. But that said, we still need to make sure we are eating our best. Right. We need to just be, we’re getting older. It doesn’t matter if we’re in menopause or not, we’re just getting older. So we do need to keep eating our best. So has anything shifted for you as far as your food? And you said, I know you were a runner and it sounds like exercise was a huge deal for you or is it a huge deal?

Speaker #1
Yeah. I mean, honestly, like, again, and I go back and kind of look at my mom and my grandma and, you know, They just didn’t talk about a lot of things and not, not like they, they were trying to hide it, but they didn’t even know to talk about it. And I didn’t even know to ask questions, right? Like it just wasn’t something that was a topic of conversation back then. Well,

Speaker #0
I think they were as confused as us,

Speaker #1
right? I mean,

Speaker #0
my mother has no memory of going into menopause. I honestly feel like doesn’t know her, like the age she went into menopause. I know. She dabbled with hormones for a little bit back in like the early two thousands. And then that the… health initiative came out and that scared everybody. And so she just went off of it, she said, and she doesn’t remember really anything. So I got no, no information from her whatsoever. No guidance.

Speaker #1
No. And I think to me, like what’s been the biggest shift, I think probably didn’t come in my thirties and forties, if I’m honest with you, because it was really just white knuckling everything. I felt like I was just white knuckling my life, right. And just trying to survive. But what happened to me is when I kind of exited that… that, you know, magical 12 months and I’m approaching 50, I sort of realized like, I’ve got to do things to put myself first on the list. And that’s what I hear so many women talking about, right? It is that, um, that period of time where all of a sudden we start looking and there could be like environmental things that are happening around us. For some of us who maybe had kids younger, your kids are getting older, you’re divorcing, you’re changing careers, you’re becoming caretakers for your parents. Like all these things start happening in this, in this period. Some of us start to realize like, if we’re not at our best, we’re not going to be our best for other people. And so for me though, that started, I started to like, just pay attention to what I was doing for myself. And, you know, I spent a lot of my thirties and forties, just like I eat shit off the kids plates. And, you know, I always made sure they had good food, but for me, I was like, yeah, you know, I’ll eat when I’m hungry. And then you get to the end of the day and I’m like, oh shit, I haven’t eaten today. That’s bad. But I started to realize that I had to put myself first. And so how that manifested my… in it, how that manifested for me then, and how I see it and hear it manifesting for other women, both those that I talked to in, in writing the book, but also women who’ve shared their stories through my sub stack has been when you stop and listen and you stop and look at what’s happening for you, are you becoming more easily annoyed? Are you getting to the end of the day and you’re hungry? Are you realizing that what you’re putting in your body is just a bunch of shit to keep you, you know. sustained through the day, but you’re not getting protein, you’re not getting calcium, you’re not balanced in what you’re putting in your body, that is a problem. And I think it was for me, giving myself the attention and the stopping and going, what is happening for me? And I also started to notice that I was getting tired more frequently. The runs that I used to take were harder for me. I didn’t prioritize things like strength training. And I I started to pay attention to what was being written about and the science behind the importance of those things. And then I literally started looking at what I was beating myself. Like, this is not good. And if I want to be my best, I’ve got to pay attention to what’s happening to my body. See how I’m showing up. I’m annoyed. I’m tired. I’m hungry. Why is that? And then start to do something different. And that’s like, you can take that same formula, right? You stop and acknowledge, you look for the signs, you put names to those signs, and then you go, I am going to make a change. That formula can be applied to how you, you look at your fitness, how you look at your nutrition, how you show up to the people in your life, how you prioritize yourself, the risks you’re going to take. Like that’s just the formula, right? And I started to pay attention to that. And that’s what I see as a common thread for so many, with so many women that I talk to. It’s, it’s. some derivative of that formula. And so for me, that was the change, right? And I just, I realized I had to nourish myself both metaphorically and emotionally and spiritually, but also physically because I wasn’t doing it. And why wasn’t I doing it? Because I was last on the list.

Speaker #0
I talked to countless women about how they were, you know, they’re done. They’ll say to me, like, they’re done with cooking now, now that they’re in their fifties, they’re done. I’m like. This is not the time to be done with that.

Speaker #1
Maybe not that.

Speaker #0
And it’s because they spent the last three decades cooking and making sure everyone else is well fed, cooking for their husband, cooking for their kids. that putting themselves last and they’re burnt out now at 50. So understandably, but cooking and eating well is one of the most caring and kind things you can do for yourself, especially when you’re in your fifties and then beyond. I mean, this is when we really need to, to nourish ourselves well.

Speaker #1
So a hundred percent. Yeah. Funny though. Like, and I would challenge women who say that it’s like, good, be done. You know, I don’t know if we say F here, but if we don’t say F. be out of Fs, but don’t be out of Fs for yourself. You know, give more, like if you, you’ve got a quotient, right? Like I believe we’re all born with a certain number of things we could care about. You, it’s, it’s totally fine to get to this phase and go, I’m kind of done apologizing for my existence. And I hear this from so many women. I experienced it myself. You know, my happiness should not come last. I am not wrong for wanting and desiring more, whether it’s through sex or in the bedroom, pleasure. fun, whatever it is, that’s not wrong. But I am done putting myself last on the list. Like I have to be. And so to me, that mindset, like give fewer Fs where they count, but give the most, take all the ones that you have and start applying them to where you need them. And that’s on you. That’s on me. That’s on ourselves. And that’s, that’s the subtle shift here, right? Like, yeah, like be done. I’m done with a lot of things. Like I don’t have to do laundry anymore. So I’m done beating myself up over the head with the fact that clean clothes will sit in the laundry basket. I don’t care. I don’t give two shits if my, my, you know, shirts are wrinkly or not, but I know when it comes time to eat, I’m going to eat three meals because that’s what I need just to say myself. I’m going to prioritize what I’m putting in my body and I’m going to prioritize the environmental influences that I let into my circle, right? whether that’s friends or… situations or, you know, energy or whatever it is, like, those are the things I’m going to like edit out, but not the things that are going to actually help nourish me.

Speaker #0
Just as we’re talking about this and talking about food specifically and nourishing ourselves, I’m just thinking about the rise of Ozempic and GLP-1s. And, you know, it’s just that for a lot of women who have spent years, decades on and off of diets and kind of getting away with that, you know, in your 20s, 30s, and then suddenly can’t really get away with that, you know, your body is shifting, and you’re gaining weight, not because you’re just getting older, and your metabolism is probably dipping. And it’s just interesting, I think, to see, it’s interesting to see how it will play out with the GLP-1 medications, because I’m not saying, I’m not judging anybody for being on them. I’m just saying that I think it’s kind of creates, can create a disconnect.

Speaker #1
Well, and I think what’s interesting about that, again, like I take a lot of these things and sort of, you know, through the, a lot of the experts, actually. So I interviewed doctors and nurses. I interviewed psychologists, transition coaches, lawyers, financial folks in the construction of the book. And one of the things that I think we struggle with is women. And you can apply this to a lot of facets of this transition in midlife. That is the idea that… that, you know, you have to grieve a change or grieve something that shifts, which is true, right? You have to grieve these things. But I think, and I’ve heard this from so many women, sometimes we get stuck in that that is a failure, right? But somehow if something shifts in you, whether it’s, hey, like for me too, like my metabolism is changing. So I remember in my twenties and thirties, if I wanted to drop a few pounds, it would be very easy for me to do. Now, it is not easy. Or take that same methodology and go like, I used to run a half marathon, like nobody’s business. And I would run it and then feel just as energized after as when I started. Now, the idea of running that distance, it’ll take me out for two weeks because I’ll be sore. My back will hurt. My knees will hurt. My feet will hurt. I’ll be exhausted. Like all the things. Right. And I could look at that and go, yeah, I want to grieve that change. That’s a change. And change is hard. Right. My face doesn’t look like I might feel 25 some days. I look in the mirror. I’m like, oh, you’re not girl. Like. and get a grip. So you grieve the change, but I don’t view those things as failures, right? I view them as an opportunity, like that’s just where I’m at. And now what can I do? What is in my control to make something different for myself? And for me, I’ve never been like a quick fix kind of gal. Cause I sort of like, oh, you got to do the work. And sometimes I think that that’s probably hurt me a little. I think I’ve, I’ve tried to out hustle a lot of things that in my life, which I think it’s just made me exhausted, but. you know, you make small steps toward movement to trying something else. And for me, you know, that it’s just that like different isn’t bad. Change isn’t bad. You know, and a lot of good can come from the difference.

Speaker #0
And I think sometimes, you know, we all want like that quick fix and, and maybe for some like things stick and that’s great. But for me, my, my experience and what I’ve seen from so many women in the book is sometimes the quick fixes and apply it to anything. They might give you temporary relief, but then like, does it really solve the core? I’m not sure.

Speaker #1
Well, grief is a great subject to talk about, I think, because that, and I think it’s something that nobody talks about right now. is that grieving our younger selves, grieving the changes, grieving your kids not living with you anymore, or grieving now, you know, having your parents get older. You know, I know for me, I mean, I’m definitely in that, well, my kids are not living with me anymore, but I feel very in that sandwich generation, you know, like kind of, they’re still in their early twenties and, and I’ve got aging parents and, and realizing and wondering what my purpose is in life when you’re back in your 30s and 40s, you had your purpose, you know, you had defined purposes. So I think that there is a lot of grief. And I think that’s something that nobody talks about.

Speaker #0
Well, it’s true. And I think what why people don’t talk about it is that there’s embarrassment and shame and guilt that come with that, right? And, you know, a lot of the stories that I heard from women are this idea of like, if you look around in my life, like I have so many good things going for me, but yet the changes. I’m struggling with the change. And am I even allowed to struggle with the change? Am I allowed to have these feelings? And I think that’s really where we need to shift the mindset. And it’s like starting with accepting, acknowledging and losing the stick that we carry for ourselves that says, I’m not allowed. I don’t need permission to have this feeling. I don’t need permission to exist. I don’t need permission to grieve these things that are changing in my life. And you start with that. And then you get to the, I’m going to acknowledge it. I’m going to put a name to it. Then I’m going to say it out loud. Then I’m going to find a mantra or a method of accepting that different isn’t bad. It’s just different. And then I think in the experience that I’ve seen with women who’ve shared their stories is that’s almost like the gateway to releasing the guilt and shame that sometimes comes with this. And, you know, you, then it kind of opens you up and you allow yourself. to figure out what’s, you know, in front of you and what you want. And I think it’s also with our age, we get to this experience. I think a lot of us too, we’re not going to be graded on if it’s right or not. Like what’s right for you. Is it going to be right for me? It’s not going to be right for my girlfriend. It’s not going to be right for my neighbor. And, and if we can kind of get to that place where, you know, you, you acknowledge that, Hey, this isn’t a test. We’re not being graded. Different is not bad. lose what no longer serves you, whether that’s again, metaphorically, emotionally, relationships, things that are just not serving and nourishing you. And then what I think happens, and I’ve seen this happen with the book and the sub stack, there’s like a little bit of a law of attraction, right? Once you start talking and behaving and showing up in your circle in this way, it attracts people to start doing the same thing. And I’ve seen it play out, right? And so I do think that, you know, and I can look at this objectively and go, well, she’s making it sound real easy here. And I know it’s not, but it starts with these small changes, right? And it starts with also acknowledging like the small pivots where you’re, you’re maybe just not like comfortable with what’s happening in your life. And you’ve just got to pay attention to those things and label them and acknowledge them. And then just do begin something. You’re not going to have a perfect plan. But you got to look for the signs.

Speaker #1
I was just thinking of the word community. I think that that’s one thing that I have been thinking about for a long time. It’s just that like we women need community, right? To because especially in the world, in the age of social media, I mean, I don’t know about you, but I go, I look, I’m always looking. I’m just because I’m so shocked by what I see. And it’s almost like a train wreck I can’t look away from. And you know that just the. what’s happening out there and how we’re supposed to be aging in reverse and being the fittest of our lives and just the pressure that we’re feeling to just reinvent ourselves and be better than ever. And the pressure is just out of control. And I think that women more than ever need community. So something like your book is a really great gateway to having community.

Speaker #0
Well, thank you. And I think you’re absolutely right. And I think that there is something in this law of attraction, right? Like it takes a village like this stuff. Again, there is no right answer. And I certainly don’t want to age in reverse. And I’m not motivated by being in the best shape of my life. I want to be the best Angela. You know, I spent a lot of decades. being a version of Angela that other people thought was great. And yeah, there’s stuff I like about her, but I want to be the best version of Angela for Angela, not for anybody else. And I think that even like, I think about the subject of the conversations that I have when I go out with girlfriends, you know, if I look back two, three, four years ago, we were not talking about menopause. We weren’t talking hormones. We weren’t talking about libido. We weren’t talking about. painful sex. We weren’t talking about vibrators. We weren’t talking about parenting adult kids and how hard that is. We weren’t talking about any of these things. And we’re talking about those things now. And there’s, there’s a ship that’s happening, which I love. And so for me, the way I look at that is, you know, it’s, it’s why I started writing the book. It’s not just my story. It’s all these stories of other women. It’s these experts coming in and weighing in, but why I started the sub stack a couple of months after I started writing the book was I. I knew that I couldn’t be the only one with these questions and these experiences. And all of a sudden, this little community that started with, you know, a handful of girlfriends has grown into almost like 5,000. And that village, that’s my crew. Those are my people. And it wouldn’t have happened had I not started down this book path, had I not started writing and continued to write and, you know, done so pretty honestly and sometimes, you know, cringeworthy. because I get really real, but the village just got bigger. And man, it’s just, nobody’s doing this right. And there is no one way. But the thing that I’ve seen as a common thread is like, we’re all doing something. And that to me, like, you just have to begin. That’s what I’m seeing happen. And that’s where I’m seeing the change happen. And recognizing that we’re not alone. You’re not alone and you’re not crazy.

Speaker #1
Yeah. Well, it takes a lot of courage to go against the grain or just to talk honestly and openly. a lot of courage and you’re doing it and that’s great.

Speaker #0
Well, thank you. And yeah, I mean, it’s very real. Um, you know, but by doing this, I’ve changed the way I’m showing up in my own life. Like, here’s a really good example, right? I used to think that rest, the idea of taking a nap or resting was like somehow an Epic failure. Like when they can, like, you know, remember that whole, like me to sleep when the baby’s sleeping, like that’s what I’m doing. life. I’m taking a shower. I’m cleaning myself. I’m brushing my teeth. I’m doing the laundry. I’m, you know, the list goes on. But if I take this, like being able to say out loud, right? Small things, say no, no is a full sentence, ladies and men and women and people. Um, I don’t owe you an essay saying something I need out loud. I’m not available. I need a break. I don’t agree with you. These small things there, how many words I’m not available. Three words.

Speaker #1
words. Right.

Speaker #0
I need a break. Four words. I disagree. Two words. And I’m, I’m seeing a huge change by virtue of me putting these, these experiences onto paper, you know, making them real for myself and for others. I’m totally changing the way I show up for myself. And like, literally as simple as no, just no and no. And no, no, no, I don’t owe you a TED talk. And I’m not apologizing. The, you know, I used to spend a lot of my time apologizing. And I hear this from other women, like you apologize for your mere existence. Like how ridiculous is that?

Speaker #1
Oh yeah. How many times do we say, I’m sorry. I mean, during the day. Yeah.

Speaker #0
I’m sorry. Or like, even if I think about career, you know, you can kind of touch on these subjects. I spent a lot of my time in my career, you know, letting stories that other people wrote about me, define me. I was an execution machine. I wasn’t strategic enough. I didn’t sit in front of the right executives at the right time. And so I would approach job opportunities or these projects with this, like, why me? And now that question is totally different. I don’t ask that anymore. I ask, why the hell not me? And so it’s like you put it out in the universe, you write about it, you share it. You see people attracting back that same vulnerability, and it forces you to change your behavior. And it’s not even a conscious. It’s just the law of like energy in the world. And if you tune into that, like it happens. And I think the other thing too, is I know this about myself and I’ve heard this about the women that I talked to for the book. A lot of us think that we need to have a perfect plan. Everything has to be laid out. Every, every dimension of whatever it is we might be struggling with or wanting to change or wanting to embrace or wanting to try has to be perfect. It doesn’t. And we will never have a perfect plan. Or, you know, I hear a lot like, I don’t know where to start. Just do something. Like even the simple practices, pick somebody this week, something that comes up that you don’t want to do. Say no, try it out and see how that feels. And then maybe, you know, sit in a meeting and voice your opinion or say two words, I disagree, try it out.

Speaker #1
Yeah, I love those. I just love that whole perspective because honestly, not doing it is not gonna get you anywhere. It’s just gonna keep you in the same stuck. patterns and grief and misery. And there really is something on the other side to midlife. We’re not, we’re not stuck.

Speaker #0
And something I kind of talk about in the book, this idea of like a midlife manifesto, right? So there’s like this exercise I put in the book. And, and, and while what I say is start with one simple thing, right? I’m not saying you have to blow up your whole life. Like, no, you don’t have to do that, but identify one thing that maybe you’re done carrying and one thing that you want to reclaim. That alone, treat it like a contract to yourself. Like this is a personal contract that you’re writing to you and name one belief or one habit or one expectation that you’re ready to release. Like for me, a lot of it was saying no. This idea that like if I said no to something, like I owe you a dissertation and I’ve got to like qualify it and rationalize it and justify it. I don’t do that anymore. The answer is just no.

Speaker #1
Yeah. No, thank you.

Speaker #0
No, thanks.

Speaker #1
Yeah.

Speaker #0
Not today. Can’t do it. And that alone can shift everything.

Speaker #1
Yeah, I love it. I love the manifesto concept. And I think I’m looking forward to maybe making my own manifesto now.

Speaker #0
I think it’s something that’s within all of our power. And I think even just starting with, name one thing that you’re done carrying. You know, for me, like, if I look at it from my… career standpoint, I sort of pivoted into this consulting. The one thing I was done carrying was I’m not strategic. I carried that message for a lot of time, a long time in my career. And now when I said I’m done with that, the kinds of projects that I’m getting involved in are very strategic. Turns out I know a lot of shit. Turns out that I have valuable opinions and insights that CEOs and CFOs and all these people want to hear. So I let go of that. And, you know, name something that you’re ready to claim or reclaim something that you lost about yourself, something that you liked about yourself, something that you want to claim is yours that you never have. And those those little tiny changes alone and you say them out loud like there’s power in that.

Speaker #1
Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. You have to start believing it. And then I think with along with community and sounds like on your sub stack, you have a good following and. and a community there and your book. So tell me how can people get your book, get on your sub stack and start being part of your community?

Speaker #0
Yes, please. So sub stack come to real girls guide to midlife.com. That’s the sub stack. I write about three times a week and lots of fun articles. I do Q and A’s with experts. So that’s fun. The book is a real girl’s guide to midlife. It will be available on December 15th. um, on Amazon and where you love to buy your books, both in, um, ebook format and paperback. So please do that. Um, and yeah, my website is realgirlsguide.com and that’s kind of another hub where you can find out all the great things that are happening in our little, our little tribe and our little community. And yeah. And I’m already working on a companion piece for the book, which is really fun. And here I am, you know, in my mid fifties had this harebrained idea to write a book and I’m already thinking about like another full book. So. That’s kind of fun.

Speaker #1
That’s fantastic. Good. Great. Well, I look forward to getting your book. And thank you so much for just speaking so openly with me today. Appreciate it. It’s the reason why I’ve got my podcast. And I will put all your links in the show notes.

Speaker #0
Awesome. And thank you for having me. It’s just been a complete pleasure.

Speaker #1
Of course. Yeah. No, it’s been great. Thank you.

Speaker #0
You’re welcome.

Speaker #1
And as always, if you loved this podcast, please consider gifting me with a five-star review. It is so helpful for me to get the word out on real eating, our real bodies, and real food stories. Thank you so much and have a great week. Bye for now.